UCMEC goes Last Alliance
by members of UCMEC
Summary: Chapter TEN! AU The camp awakes and the members of UCMEC realise they have a lot of work to do... A poignant example of how crazy we can get...
1. In Which the Plot Thickens...

**Nemis and UCMEC go last Alliance…****  
**(or: **The Saving of Gil-galad**)  
By:

Nemis (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

Katy (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

Casey (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

Joan Milligan (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

Kelsey (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_."

Alena (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

Autumn (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

Harle (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

**First things first... Who are we?**

Well, we are the members of the Unofficial Committee for More Elrond and Celebrían fanfiction… 

But, as you will discover, we are also the somewhat crazier people that inhabit fanfiction.net…

Most of us have an account on this site somewhere, so check us out!

Anyway, I am Nemis, the 'leader' of the pack, and general e-mail checker and chapter up-loader (did I get lured into this somehow, it suddenly doesn't seem that good anymore… hmm).

Fiona/Katy is the fastest writer to get back on my set-up, so she gets to see her name right after mine grin

Casey is second-best in more ways than one

Joan is our Silmfic leader and general mayhem causer

Kelsey is looking for Elfies

Alena knows Nerdanel really well…

Autumn writes the sweetest ficcies about Elrond and/or Celebrían on ff.net

(I trust they will inform me if they want their bios updated)

How did this start? Well with this:

**Question**: What would happen if a fan-ficcer, temporarily insane, would decide to write herself into the Last Alliance to try and make things go her way? And then invite the members of her mailing-list to join?

**Answer**: Sacrilege, Mary-Sue and trouble, right? grin I know...  
  


**Disclaimer**: Nothing here is ours, except for the silliness…  
  


**Note**: Totally AU. This is meant as something to amuse (namely us), so if we insult anybody in the process, like, Peter Jackson, slash-writers, Mary-Sues, and, oh yeah, blond Elves, we are really just pulling your… leg… Hmm… Foot in mouth syndrome…   
  


The scene is (as said) the Last Alliance, some days before the Fall of Gil-galad and the other guy (yes, I know his name, he's the father of Ring-boy, and no, I am aware of the fact he isn't Ring-boy yet, but I'm the first writer and I don't want to name Elendil darn)   
  


Oh, well, he got screwed by Peter Jackson anyway, so this won't matter…  
  


I doubt any of you think I was going to wait seven years, when I can just beam myself (and the others) into this, days before the really important stuff is going to happen?  
  


I think not, you are an intelligent audience… 

So there goes:

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Chapter One In Which the Plot Thickens...

**Nemis**

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A lightning beam pierces through the clear sky, not a cloud in sight, and with it, something falls from the sky.   
  


thud  
  


Nemis, having landed face-down in the yucky-stuff Mordor is made of, now covered in it, mutters a very un-Middle-earthy curse under her breath.  
  


'What the bloody censored did I think of? There has to be a better way to enter the story… For Elbereth's sake…'  
  


Scrambling to her feet, she tries to brush away the dirt, but, since it is black yucky-mud, only makes it worse. Shrugging, she imagines herself a new pair of trousers (which look really great) (hey, it's my part of the fic) and a warm coat, since she severely underestimated the weather.  
  


The plain before her is littered with tents and flags, and somewhere in the background, a huge volcano-like mountain is fuming it's dark smoke.  
  


'I wonder if Sauron has ever read Freud.' She smirks, making her way to the tents further ahead. 

'Now, I guess we have to have a blue and silver banner.' 

Not watching her feet, she trips, almost breaking her neck, over a row of slash-fic writers that seem to be lurking at the borders of the encampment.  
  


With an evil glare she, once again, gets on her feet, and tries to imagine them away, but it doesn't seem to work. At least they are not following, which is kind of nice.  
  


It isn't really hard to find what she is looking for, since its by far the biggest and most luxurious tent around. Waving at Glorfindel, who suddenly is grinning like some fool, she enters the pavilion of blue and silver.  
  


Inside, two figures are bent over a table filled with maps, thankfully not yet influenced enough by the ficcers on edge of the camp to be involving themselves in anything that would require NC-17 rating.   
  


Nemis finds herself eye to eye with two of the coolest Elves ever, which both seem extremely amazed to see her.  
  


Both dark-haired, though only one has been confirmed to have that hair-colour, one looks unmistakably like… I can't say who, because that wouldn't be nice… (Agent Elrond giggle) Let's just say he looks yummy… The other one has been slightly reshaped in her imagination to fit Nemis's liking and is taller and cooler and… is the High-king of the Noldor.  
  


He is the first to recover his ability to speak.  
  


'And **what** are you?'  
  


Nemis is right about to return _I'm Batman_ when the other Elf roles his eyes.   
  


'She's the one who hit you with that arrow, a couple of centuries ago.'  
  


Nemis gives him a glare, realising she has sorely underestimated the ability of the Lord of Imladris to make sarcastic remarks. And his powers of grasping fan-fic… She turns to Gil-galad.  
  


'What he meant to say; I am the one that gave you a life.' She looks at Elrond, who folds his arms and returns the stare.  
  


'Whatever.'  
  


Nemis raises a finger.  
  


'Don't you start, Elf-boy, or I will make you suffer like there is no tomorrow.'  
  


Elrond, meanwhile, doesn't seem very impressed.  
  


Nemis decides to ignore him, and turns to Gil-galad again.  
  


'Look, Mr Ereinion, sir,' Gil-galad's eyes begin to glimmer and Nemis almost jumps right into his arms, but regains her composure just in time. 'I really like you, you see, but the trouble is, you are supposed to die in a couple of days, which is going to make you miss Elf-boy's wedding,' She ignores Elrond's coughing fit, continuing, '…and give him a traumatic experience… Well, maybe I did that… But, anyway, I'm here to make sure you don't die, and live happily ever after.'  
  


Gil-galad seems amused, really, sort of the opposite to Elrond, who has turned very pale all of a sudden. Likely just realising the power of the fanfiction author.  
  


'You are here to make sure I don't die?'  
  


Nemis nods emphatically.   
  


'That's the idea.'  
  


Gil-galad frowns.  
  


'Just you?'  
  


Nemis grins evilly.  
  


'I might have some friends who want to help…'  
  


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To be continued…

(Be afraid, be very afraid) 


	2. First Arrivals

**Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance**

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

**Nemis** (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

**Katy** (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

**Casey** (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

**Joan Milligan** (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

**Kelsey** (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_."

**Alena** (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

**Autumn** (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

**Harle** (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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**Comments for this part of the fic (and the answers to the reviews)**

Nemis asks: was I just chastised by Anna for starting another fic? grin

Oh, and I was so very nicely doing what she asked me to do for Elrond and Celebrían… Don't worry, I'm not quitting those… Just need some fun…

**New members**: Everyone is welcome, see our profile to get the link where you can join (we are **so** professional…)****

**Anyways**: readers, do not get into a twitch about present/past tense, since I do not change too much from what everyone posts (sacrilege towards writers). This is not supposed to be a work of literature… if you hadn't noticed (I suspect you did) 

Since we have both British as well as American English writers, don't get into a knot about that either… Just sit back, relax, and let yourself be swept away by the silliness…****

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**Chapter Two   First Arrivals**

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**Part One **(in which we get our first arrival)

**Katy**

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Elrond and Gil-galad both look at each other, with an expression of almost fear writ clearly across their faces. Just as Elrond is about to comment in a sarcastic manner again, a noise, a very horrible noise, comes from outside of the tent,

Two guards enter, dragging in between them, a bedraggled figure from which the horrible noises are coming. Dropping the figure unceremoniously in front of the High-king, his Regent and Nemis, the guards salute.

'We found this creature skulking near to the camp. It hasn't explained it's self and we were told to bring it to you.'

The 'creature' has by this time raised itself to her feet and a pair of eyes are now visible, eyes which are glaring ferociously at the guards.

Gil-galad surveys the figure in front of him.

'Well stranger, explain yourself.'

Trying to gather dignity, the anon figure starts. 'IT'S NOT **MY** FAULT. One minute I'm sitting on the computer at school and then the next minute I'm here and covered with filth. I'm cold, I'm wet, it stinks here and then I get two sharp spears stuck at my neck and am told to come with this pair.' She, for it is now obvious from the tone of voice that the intruder is a female. '…and my new school shoes are ruined…' She displays a muddy foot. '…all I'm saying is that I expected Elves, especially HIGH elves to be a little more courteous than this.'  
 Nemis has now figured that this is indeed one of her fellow UCMEC members, which one being the real question.  
'OK, who exactly **are** you?' She asks. 'I know you're from UCMEC… which member… please?'  
The member coughs a little and smiles. 'Katy here. And I take it this is the Last Alliance, Nemis?'

Elrond interrupts. 'This is one of the 'friends' you spoke of?'

'Yeah,' Nemis replies vaguely. 'She made Glorfindel into a gossip freak a few centuries ago…'

Elrond frowns. 'OH REALLY?'

'Look before you behead me for making Glorfindel absolutely unbearable at times, please, at least, let me have a bath and some clean clothes.' Katy pleads, scratching mud from her long skirt. 'It's not fair executing dirty prisoners, especially when they're women…'

'Two women…' Gil-galad ponders. 'How many more are we to expect?' He questions Nemis, as Katy is led out of the tent by Elrond.

'No idea…'

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**Part Three** (in which we wonder about hair)

**Casey**

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an enthused cry can be hear outside

Giving each other a look, as if either of them has any idea what this is about, they make their way to the entrance of the tent.

There, Nemis grins and Gil-galad's eyes grow even larger than before.  
'Oh, Nem, this is great! You've got Elf-boy here, oh, and, hi Katy, 'A blonde with blue high-lights in her hair waves at Katy, who is standing beside Elrond, before turning to Gil-galad and Nemis again. 'Aaw, and Noldorin Royalty!' She waves seductively at Gil-galad. 'But there is a rule saying you are not available.' She aims a short but deadly glance at Nemis, who raises an eyebrow.

Elrond, meanwhile, seems even more frightened than before. His voice is a whisper.

'Elbereth, help me…'

Casey, for that is who she is, grins broadly.

'Heya, Elf-boy, remember me?'

By the look on his face, it appear Elrond does.

Gil-galad gives Casey an enquiring look.  
'What do you mean, there is a rule _I_ am not available?'

Casey takes some quick steps, winks at Nemis and catches one of Gil-galad's braids.

'Never mind that, forget I said it, you _have_ to tell me how you get your hair so nice and soft.'

[short comment from Nemis: Before we started writing this, I made up the single rule to abide by in this story: _Gil-galad is mine… Unless you make up a great story-change, in which case I will gladly claim Elrond._ This is what Casey was referring to earlier in this fic.]

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**Part Four** (in which Katy receives come-uppance for making Glorfindel a gossip freak)

**Katy**

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Elrond stands, rendered temporarily speechless by the upfrontness of the latest arrival.

That is until Katy waves a blackened muddy hand in front of his eyes.

'Hello? Is it possible to get a wash here, or do I have to stay like this until we finish this battle?'

'Of course, you will need clean garments.' He murmurs, still staring at Nemis, Casey and Gil-galad. 'Glorfindel will escort you to where you may wash and dress.'

'Thankyou.' She sighs, following the golden haired (dare I say blonde?) elf out of the door. They are half way to their destination when Glorfindel sights another figure on the horizon which definitely isn't an elf.

'Do you see that, Lady?' He asks Katy, who hasn't. They both stop and as the figure draws closer, Katy gives a horrified gasp.

'Heavens!' She cries, as the figure comes into view. 'Why? WHY IN THE VALAR'S NAME DID HE HAVE TO COME HERE?!?'

'Who has come?' Asks a bewildered Glorfindel.

'Fozzie bear.' Comes the reply.

'Fozzie bear?'

'Not really Fozzie bear, that boy Sean from school. The one who won't leave me alone. With any luck he'll get killed…'

'So… you are betrothed to him???' Glorfindel is getting ideas.

'NO! DEFINITELY NOT! I'd rather be betrothed to a Balrog than THAT.' Katy yells, pulling at Glorfindel's arm. 'C'mon, let's get out of sight before he sees me.'

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**Part Five** (in which Nemis finally get the chance to introduce herself)

**Nemis**

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All of them look at Glorfindel and Katy as they leave the mud-trodden piece of land in front of the tent.

Gil-galad narrows his brow.  
'I gather her name is Katy, and this specimen is called… Casey. You are _Nem_?' He looks at Nemis, and she feels uncomfortable under his inspecting gaze.  
'Well, actually, no, but for argument's sake, my name is Nemis here, just like yours is usually Gil-galad, Mr Ereinion, sir.'

Gil-galad nods, strangely understanding.

'And blue hair is a natural colour with your… people?'  
Casey grins.

'Sure.'

Nemis pulls Casey away from Gil-galad.

'We need to have a word here, Case.'

Gil-galad nods.

'I believe you owe us an explanation.'

Nemis sighs, giving the High-king a strange look. She turns to Casey again.  
'Let's go inside.' Pushing Casey into the tent, she looks at Elrond.

'Better get in here too, El, since this will concern you big-time. And don't worry about Casey… Just see it as a bad, bad dream…'  
As she leads the Lord of Imladris, severely shocked (Nemis likes him severely shocked), after Casey, Gil-galad makes to follow the, indicating to his guards he does not want anyone to disturb them.

'Unless, of course, we get more of these…U …C …M …E …C … members.'

'But how will we recognise those, my Lord?'

'I think you will know as soon as you see one…' He mumbles, before dropping the flap of the tent.  
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**Part Six** Let the mayhem continue! (or: The Entrance of Melkor's underwear and two characters that should definitely not have been allowed into the Last Alliance especially not together)

**Joan**

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'She's doing WHAT?'

Now, it wasn't that Joan was new to fanfic, alternate realities and self-insertion. Not at all. However, the idea that Nemis will be there to ogle Gil-galad and she won't was another matter entirely.  
Therefore, the Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear (and Legolas' True Hair Colour, which is black, I just had to note. Now shoot me) sat pondering before her keyboard.  
'I could go… I actually ought to go…'  
 However, there was one other thing to consider. If she were to go, the two buggers who refused to leave the not-so-safe sanctuary of her brain may follow.  
Which may not be such a bad thing…

A moment later, she was introduced to the concept of YUCK.  
'Gotta hate Mordor in tourist season,' Joan muttered, straightening and studying the massive plains of sheer Yuck in all its various forms. Sure enough it was the right time and place. Lots of Yuck-covered people were walking or nancing around, depending on the shape of their ears, and she could just see the Really Big Tent in the distance…

At that very moment, as unfortunately expected, Fëanor and Éomer appeared on both sides of her, thankfully plucked out of scenes in which they were still fully clothed.  
At once they blinked and looked around in shock, which gave her the time she needed to stop drooling, and then catching sight of her started talking all too loudly. It took her a moment to realize she couldn't understand a word they said.  
Sighing, she breathed in and screamed at the top of her lungs: 'Ahem!! Spirits of the Universal Translator!!'

The universe rolled its eyes, and Quenya and the Western Tongue melted into perfect English, resulting in her blushing very, very deeply. Who would think and Elf lord _knew_ such words?  
'Guys! Calm down. No fangirls around here!'

'What did we do to deserve this?' Éomer demanded.  
 Joan shrugged. 'Don't ask me. You were in my head.'

'It's you who is obsessed with us…'  
The writer blushed again. 'I am not!'

Fëanor snorted. 'And the reason I spend most of the story with my shirt off is…?  
'Suckly Elven fashion sense?' They both gave very meaningful groans, and she almost kicked them. 'Come on, you guys! I write about everyone!'

'Everyone male and with a pulse,' Éomer commented, and got kicked slightly off any locations which may have excluded him from the first category.  
'Shut up, pervy Hobbit fancier, you. Now listen up, we have a mission. We're here to save the life of a very cute Elf lord by the name of Gil-galad and possibly save Middle-Earth a lot of trouble while we're at it.'

'And how do we do that?' Fëanor asked while beheading several passing Legolases.   
Joan frowned. 'Well, first of all, we find Nemis. She should be…'

And they might have gone and found Nemis, if in that moment a number of human soldiers did not come and ask Joan just where the heck she popped out from and why she was holding bright green underwear. That unfortunate conversation ended of course with her being dragged off quite rudely, while Éomer and Fëanor simply stared as she shouted.  
'Hey!' Help me out, won't you?! They're taking me to Isildur and - !'

Éomer blinked, 'Isildur? Is he not the one you made sing that very rude… thing to the entire Last Alliance?'  
Joan was once again reintroduced to Yuck, up close and personal. Soon she was out of sight.   
Éomer and Fëanor looked at each other.  
'Think we should help her out?'

'Well, she _can_ undress us with a thought…'  
And with that well in mind, they headed to find the mysterious Nemis.

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**Part 7** (Da Plan… or: Nemis thinks she can lead and gets away with it)

**Nemis**  
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As Elrond sat on one of the chairs at the table, receiving a cup of wine to temper his nerves, Nemis looked at Casey, her voice soft.

'I would rather wait until there are more of us, but somehow I suspect nothing has to be explained more than once here… she glimpses up as if someone is watching

Casey smiles, meanwhile ogling Gil-galad, who is attempting to listen in, but in such a way that Nemis, who he has judged to be the 'leader' of the 'UCMEC' whatever that was cannot notice.

Of course Nemis, (who has a brother and knows boys will be boys) already noticed it. She keeps moving, her hand carefully clasped around Casey's upper arm (she doesn't exactly trust her either).  
'It's like this, mission number one: make sure Gil-galad does not come anywhere near Evil-Fire-breath-guy, let Elendil darn and soon-to-be-Ring-boy deal with him… Second, make sure Elrond doesn't accidentally die, or we would have to do a time-warp or something… Third, kick Ring-boy into mountain. Do you suppose Círdan is around?'

Gil-galad smirks.

'He is of course.' He suddenly realises he was not allowed to what he just did as he receives an angry look from Nemis.

'I have to ask you this, Mr High-king of the Noldor, sir. Did you understand anything of what I just said?'

'One would deduct Evil-Fire-breath-guy is Gorthaur, but I am not sure who soon-to-be-Ring-boy is… And what should kicking him into the mountain achieve?'

'A major reduction of the volume of Lord of the Rings.' Casey smirks, as she almost has to sit down with laughter.

Elrond still doesn't seem very comfortable with her. She looks at him.

'Okay, I'm sorry, alright? The fact that Nemis is writing such a nice story about you should be making you happy?'

Elrond looks even more nervous now.

Nemis looks at Casey.

'I suppose he doesn't really know that yet… Let's try this from a little philosophical perspective. They know about what historically has happened until now… He knew about the arrow, because that has already happened, during the last war… But I doubt whether they know anything beyond that, since the story has not yet been finished… What I mean is, I don't think they know anything that hasn't happened yet…'

Casey grins at Elrond.

'Oh, boy, are you going to be pissed off when you get to the part I've just read…'

Nemis sighs as she watches Elrond get even more nervous than he already was. (yes, it *is* possible)

'Case, leave him alone, will you? I don't want to spend an entire evening trying to explain all that to him…'

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**Chapter 8** (Elfy…?)

**Kelsey**

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Kelsey crept as stealthily as possible for a human to the entrance way of the tent. She could already hear the muffled voices and see the lights of candles gleaming from within.

'Damn!' she thought 'two girls, two elves and another one off with Glorfindel, I shouldn't have spent all that time trying to find out if Aragorn's ancestor's bear any resemblance to him (they don't of course, she found them merely hairy and dirty without their descendant's charm.)'

It was obvious she was not getting a high king or future high king.

'Just as well,' she supposed. 'I'll settle for any non-Legolas with pointy ears and this place is crawling with elves, too bad Elrond' adorable twin boys aren't born, let alone are adults, yet.'

With this thought, she padded away muttering 'here elfy, elfy, elfy' under her breath and pursuing the startled yips and retreating elven footfalls through the darkness of Mordor.

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Didn't I warn you to be afraid?

We have created a monster bwahahaha!


	3. More Arrivals and More Insanity…

**Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance**

**by **(ucmec@hotmail.com)

**Nemis** (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

**Katy** (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

**Casey** (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

**Joan Milligan** (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

**Kelsey** (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_."

**Alena** (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

**Autumn** (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

**Harle** (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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**Chapter 3 More Arrivals and More Insanity…**

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**Part 9** (in which Alena and bad verse make an entrance)

**Alena**

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They all jumped at the sound of a loud yelp just outside the tent, followed by an eruption of commotion. Running out, they were greeted by the sight of a dark-headed Easterling woman, wildly dashing headlong towards them, several Elven guards in hot pursuit.

Two more guards stepped up from the sides, intercepting the running female. She made a sharp turn, at the same time trying to yank out a funny-looking sword hanging at her side. But the sword seemed to be stuck or rusted into its scabbard. The woman overbalanced, skidded, and fell flat on her back. In an instant, the tip of an Elven sword was resting on the tip of her nose. Another blade was halted within two inches of her neck, and two more were pointed at her chest.

'Hey!' the woman yelled, glaring up at her captors. 'Let me go! Just because I'm an Easterling doesn't mean that I'm a spy! If you don't let me go, things are gonna get horribly awry! I may be an Easterling, but if you prick us, do we not bleed? Yet the Faithful House of Bór in the Elder Days did great deeds!'

A collective cringe from the Elf soldier, Gil-galad, Elrond, and the other UCMEC members. Gil-galad looked at Nemis. 'Do you know this… female?'

Nemis was tempted to deny it, but the Elves swords looked awfully sharp. She rolled her eyes. 

'Alena, first of all, you are an entirely different Easterling than the House of Bor. Secondly, why are you speaking in bad verse?'

Gil-galad gave a sigh, and motioned for the guards to step back. The Easterling woman rose to her feet, and began to dust herself off. Her eyes scanned the others, finally resting on the face of Elrond.

'Um, I was trying to impress Lord Elrond,' she answered demurely.

Elrond groaned, for the umpteenth time in the last two hours.

***~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^**

**Part 10** (in which Kelsey takes the Mary-Sue-thing delightfully serious)

**Kelsey**

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Kelsey grunted and cursed lightly under her breath, she had greatly underestimated the elves' ability to scurry away when they heard the tramp of a UCMEC member. They had heard enough of Elrond and Gil-galad's predicament to be more than a little wary.

Be that as it may, she had still managed to trap five of them, and her aforementioned grunting and cursing was taking place while she bound the legs of her latest captive.

At this time, she was thinking that if she had remembered to make her hair long and flowing, and her eyes the appropriate sapphire/emerald/violet/amber so she wouldn't have to chase after them in this undistinguished fashion.

She was, in fact, so totally observed in "Operation Elven Harem" that she failed to notice one of the guards creep up behind her, as elves are known to do.

'Ahem…' As he cleared his throat, hers went inexplicably dry. 'Can I ask what you are doing?' The polite phrasing of his question was cancelled out by the gleaming of his unsheathed sword.

_Can't very well say I'm making off with half your battalion as my personal love slaves, can I?_ She considered it, but decided that would not go over particularly well.

'Well…' she stuttered, 'These 5 are defective, I'm taking them back to my workshop and then I'll bring them all back.' She prayed that the guard, obviously from Imladris, had never happened across Elrond's copy of _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_.

'Well…' He seemed to be seriously considering it, 'I suppose that would be alright, just so long as you bring them back before the battle.'

'Will do!' Kelsey replied with an enthusiastic salute before he trotted off on more pressing matters.

'Looks like its just you and me, boys.' She grinned and the five squirmed exasperatedly in the bindings and sighed through their gags.

***~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^**

**Part 11** (in which Katy seems to have alternative motives too…)

**Katy**

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Katy after having a long bath and missing most of the insanity and general confusion of the past few postings, is finally presentable and so comes back to the Regent's tent.

There, she finds Alena, Nemis, Casey and two now headachey looking descendants of Finwë, all trying o find out what on Arda is going on.

'Er, hello?' She clears her throat and glares at all assembled to try and attract some attention, apart from that of Glorfindel, who is grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Being ignored, Katy tries plan B – put on the helpless scared maiden voice to attract male's attention.

'There is something outside the camp and it's evil looking and I think it could be a spy!'

Now being listened to, she continues, apart from that fact that Glorfindel has now started to try and explain to everyone else what the evil looking spy thingy is.

'What she REALLY means is that-' He's cut off as Katy stuffs her long suffering school tie into his mouth and continues on.

'It looks like a spy and seems to have a bright yellow wristwatc- I mean, something on it's wrist. We should capture and kill it straight away.'

The rest of the occupants stare at her and the blue tie protruding half way from Glorfindel's mouth.

'WELL, I mean it might be…' Katy fades off. It's quite obvious that she has something to hide.

'What if the figure turns out to be another U C M E C member?' Gil-galad asked in a reasonable tone.

'Trust me on this, for where I come from, such creatures are to be found on a regular basis. It's NOT one of us.' Katy assures them in panicked tones.

'Guards!' Elrond calls, smirking in a rather devious way at Katy, a way which makes it overly obvious he knows just what's the matter. 'Bring this creature Katy speaks of to us, We shall then decide what is to be done with it.'

'OK, OK, OK!' Comes Katy's panicked retort as soon as the guards have left. 'Just don't let it come near me when you find it!'

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**Part 12** **More Insanity!** (in which Joan actually reaches the ReallyBigTent; with disastrous consequences, and Éomer is cold)

**Joan**

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It was actually annoyingly easy, Joan thought, as she made her way away from Isildur's tent. Just mention accidentally something about still having the rude song written down, and off she was.

Now knowing Nemis, she will already have attached herself to Gil-galad with a number of Elfy Lórien ropes, which meant she, and any other madmen intent on saving the High King, would be in the ReallyBigTent.

Or she could just follow the trail of unconscious slash writers.

Opting for the former (far too many unconscious slash writers), Joan made her way through the Yuck. There were no guards around what had to be Gil-galad's tent, but peeking inside, she gulped as she noticed the many Elves with sharp things standing puzzled around.

However, there were also a number of girls inside, all ogling either Gil-galad or Elrond (who was looking distinctly sweet sending terrified glances their way), which meant they were probably deadlier than the entire Last Alliance combined.

And, of course, there was the High King.

As Joan watched, dazzled by his Elven beauty, firm stature and the general ogle-able-ness of him, his hair turned from black to a light shiny blond. 'As only proper,' she thought, nodding to herself.

Just then, one of the girls inside let out a shriek. 'Nooo! His hair! Change it back!' And another yelped and quickly jumped in front of Elrond to block the Bad Hair Vibes. Joan, now completely confused, wandered into the tent and idly waved.

'Aw, you started without me!'

'Change his hair back!!!'

The assembling Elves looked at each other as Elrond contemplated passing out.

This was going to take a while.

**~~~~~~~**

'I'm cold,' Éomer complained.

Feanor rolled his eyes. 'Boy, do not give her any ideas.'

'But I'm cold. Could I have your cloak…fur…what is that thing anyway?'

The Elf looked distinctly smug. 'The pelt of a wild animal I have slain with my own hands.'

Eomer paled. 'Oh… well then… never mind…'

They were making their slow way across the camp, trying to ignore the looks just about everyone were giving them. Somewhere out there was the mysterious Nemis, and they dreaded thinking of what would happen if they couldn't find her, to their clothes if not their writer.

'I'm _cold_,' Éomer said again. 'It's a hobby of hers, giving her characters dreadful colds, is it not? I should have known, not even starting on the fact that we have not the slightest clue on what a 'Nemis' is, of course, and…'

'Be quiet,' Feanor snapped, looking up. 'Can you hear it?'

'Hear what? The beautiful music of me becoming a block of ice?'

'A blessed change, as blocks of ice are usually silent. But I mean the strange voice, coming nearer. Can you hear it?'

Frowning, Eomer strained to hear something unusual over the noises of the camp. At first he was unsuccessful, and was about to give up when suddenly he heard it, very clearly.

'Here, Elfy, Elfy, Elfy…'

***~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^**

**Part 13** (in which Autumn arrives, together with a chibi god of death and a katana, and Elrond seems to be getting to much wine)

**Autumn**

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Save Gil-galad? How can I resist!' Autumn whips out her keyboard and with a few strokes, is standing on a cliff overlooking the complete opposite of Teletubby village.

'Wow, that was-what the?!?!' She suddenly looks up to see a very adorable chibi god of death flying around her head.

'Hi! I'm Duo.' Autumn stares at him a second then furrows her brow.

'You don't exactly belong here, ya know.'

'I'm here to help you on your quest to save the King!'

'Oh, ok!' Knowing that this little bit of insanity makes no sense whatsoever, she begins marching off to find Gil-galad and the other UCMEC members, all the while holding the hilt of her katana which has absolutely no place in Middle-earth, but hey, a Last Alliance is no place for an unarmed girl.

Finally close to the largest tent visible, Autumn stops, looks behind her and then continues on a little faster as she sees a woman dragging five bound and gagged Elves away. Entering the tent, she smiles a very dopey smile when she sees a particular Vice Regent who takes a very long draught of his wine in response. 

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**Part 14** (in which Alena shamelessly plugs her story)

**Alena**

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'Here, Elfy, Elfy, Elfy…'

'Oh, great Eru…' Fëanor muttered, starting to back away.

Suddenly, a very rusty-looking sword appeared out of the shadows behind him, halting at his throat.

'What's this? And Elf-lord caught off his guard?' A feminine voice breathed seductively.

Very slowly and carefully, Fëanor turned his head around. The sword didn't seem sharp enough to actually kill him, but it might still be sharp enough to break the skin, and he did not want to risk infection or blood-poisoning from all that weird-smelling rust.

The holding the sword turned out to belong to a dark-haired female standing at the opening of a huge blue-and-silver tent, right behind him. Fëanor's face fell.

'Oh, it's you…'

'Hi there,' Alena smiled. 'Just the person for whom I was seeking! And Joan was just asking whether anyone has seen you. Come right in! And you too, Horse-boy!' she added, seeing the snicker on Eómer's face.

Reluctantly, Fëanor and Eómer followed her into the king's tent, where the other UCMEC members were gathered together with Gil-galad and Elrond. Joan gave a sigh of relief, the others rolled their eyes as one.

'Anyways, as I was saying, Feeny, I've been looking for you everywhere, 'cause I got a letter for you.' Alena pulled out a folded piece of paper from her pocket.

'Feeny?' Gil-galad asked incredulously, slowly turning red from trying not to laugh.

'Hey, that's what she calls him.'

'She… Oh, no…' Fëanor blanched. But Alena already unfolded the paper, and began to read aloud.

'My dear beloved Feeny,'

'How dare you push me around like that, you a$$&%#*? Who, in the name of all the Halls of Mandos, do you think you are?'

'Hey, give me that!' Fëanor bellowed, charging towards Alena. But she dodged aside nimbly, crumpled up the paper, and tossed it to Nemis in a perfect WNBA move.

Nemis uncrumpled the letter and continued to read aloud, while Feanor chased Alena around and around the tent.

'I chipped two nails smashing down that stupid door of yours! Not to mention totally messing up my hair and dress pushing through that idiotic mob! You may think Morgoth is bad, but let me tell you, mister, that you ain't seen NOTHING yet, once I catch up with you! I may have to wait until the end of Arda, but believe me, when the time comes, Dagor Dagorath will just be sideshow!'

'Your ever loving Nerdy.'

'P.S. Give my love to our boys, and tell them that they're going to GET SPANKED!'

'Nerdy?' Glorfindel snorted. Katy giggled.

'You know what they say, Angband hath no fury…' Elrond muttered.

***~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^**

**Part 15 What happens next** (in which more characters appear)

**Katy**

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'You know,' smirks Alena, 'you're gonna have the rest of eternity to think about that and anticipate it **Feeny**…'

'Oh Valar…' Groans Fëanor, already (it seems) anticipating the fury that will be his wife on their next meeting.

Katy snorts.

'Serves you right, I read that fic. You really are one of the most arrogant censored characters I've ever read about.'

She brightens.

'But while we're at it, do you want me to get Maglor here? Then you can both anticipate it together… I can't wait to see the look on his face when he reads that letter…'

Taking out her left earring and ignoring Glorfindel's mutters in her other ear of 'Don't you think you've brought enough people with you?', Katy gives a loud sneeze and shouts in a heavy Russian accent:

'Oy! Singer-man!'

There is a pouf and when the bright light and smoke disappears, another Elf is standing in front of them all, holding a hissing, spitting, dirty creature in his hand.

'Maglor…' Fëanor gasps as his son drops the creature and draws his sword.

Katy, however, is not so enthused. 'WHAT THE censored DID YOU BRING GOLLUM HERE FOR?' She jabs a finger at Maglor's chest. 'I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.'

'He was trying to steal from your jewellery box.' Maglor replied, sword still at Gollum's neck. 'The gold locket if I recall correctly…'

'He'd better not.' Growls Katy, 'And if you looked in it…'

'And while we're here…' Nemis hands the letter to Maglor. 'This is from your mother.'

'Oh no…' Maglor drops the sword, releasing Gollum (who attaches himself to Katy's legs, muttering 'Precious'.

'I have only one thing to say to you. You had it coming.' Katy shrugs.

'NO! Anything but that! Please!' Maglor falls prostrate on the floor and starts sucking his thumb. 'Maggy's too old to get a spankie…'

'He was always the soft one…' Fëanor explains as the rest burst out laughing.

'And HOW old is he?' Questions Éomer.

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**Part 16** **Gil-galad/Feanor Round One** (in which Nemis pulls rank)

**Nemis**

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As the laughing dies down, Nemis, with a raised eyebrow looks around the group of people now assembled in the tent.

'This is definitely Alternate Universe…'

With a pondering look she observes the chibi god of death (she isn't very knowledgeable with these kind of things, but the thing looks cute) and Gil-galad's new hair-colour, just as Elrond downs a new cup-fill of wine.

Then she looks from Éomer, who has observed all with some amusement (and seems happy to be in a warmer place), to the second son of Fëanor, who is lying on the floor, still relentlessly sucking his thumb.

Gil-galad, meanwhile, is looking from Maglor to Fëanor. 

'Are they who I think they are?'

Nemis bites her lip.

'Casey would likely call them the Oath-boys.'

Casey nods emphatically, and grins.

'Though I might be able to make up something more original…'

Fëanor, meanwhile, turns to Gil-galad (who mysteriously has become dark-haired again).

'And what miserable excuse for an Elf is this? Do I recognise my half-brother Fingolfin in this…usurper?'

Tilting his head, Gil-galad suddenly becomes eerily quiet. Nemis has never seen him like this and is anxiously standing by for character development.

'How dare you?' Are the first words that cross the lips of Ereinion Gil-galad. His breath seems uneven, as if he is harbouring an anger that goes deeper than Fëanor's passion.

'Your House has always wanted lordship over mine, this is not **_news_** to you, is it?' Fëanor returns.

'By your deeds Morgoth's lies came to pass, you grew the seeds he had sown… If **_you_** had held your tongue, had held **_your_** composure, **_I_** would not have to be here now…'

'I have named Morgoth before **_you_** were even born…'

'Hello, you guys?' Casey waves at them from the table. 'Are you going to make me whip out my copy of the Silmarillion?'

Fëanor narrows his eyes at her.

'What do you know of the Silmarils?'

Casey grins.

'I know where they are.'

For a moment it looks like Fëanor is going to go after Casey now, but something (probably the blond-blue hair) makes him reconsider. He returns to Gil-galad, who now is definitely fuming.

'But which one of Fingolfin's illegitimates are you?'

Nemis, who saw this coming (she has a brother, remember?) places her hand on Gil-galad's chest, just in time from to prevent him from jumping his ancestor. Placing herself between the two Elves, she looks at Fëanor.

'Stop this right now, or I shall wash my hands of thee…' She gives Alena a glance, since the bad verse seems to have been contagious. '…and return you to Joan.'

Joan, meanwhile doesn't seem too enthusiastic about this.

Fëanor shrugs. Nemis continues, slowly realising she is a little close to her favourite High-king. _Oh, well, better make the better of this._

'There is only one person in charge of the Noldor in Middle-earth here, and that's this guy,' Nemis pats Gil-galad's chest, momentarily admiring the muscled chest beneath the clothing, before retracting her hand. 'And at this moment, there is only one person that stands above him.'

Fëanor scowls, as Gil-galad starts beaming. 

'And who might that be? Ilúvatar?'

Nemis grins.

'I was thinking 'me'…'

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	4. In which things get really messy…

**Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance**

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

**Nemis** (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

**Katy** (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

**Casey** (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

**Joan Milligan** (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

**Kelsey** (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_."

**Alena** (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

**Autumn** (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

**Harle** (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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**Chapter 4 In which things get really messy…**

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**Part 17** (in which Kelsey realises her responsibility to UCMEC) (kinda anyway)

**Kelsey**

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The guard had returned and was sneaking wary looks at her from a few feet away.  This however, could mean many things, perhaps he merely wanted to see where her workshop was, but, then again, perhaps he was becoming suspicious.  This growing agitation coupled with the previously mentioned unsheathed sword led to her decision to join with the other UCMEC members.  It was her duty, she rationalized, as an appreciator of attractive elves everywhere to save their high king, who as of right now had the life expectancy of a dare-devil mayfly.  That, she decided, and not the fact that the acoustics of Mordor had allowed her to hear "religious sacrificing of Legolas" being discussed in the main tent was her motivation, although if they really wanted to discuss the latter, well she had some good ideas for that too.

Proud of herself for having made such a magnanimous decision she stood and dusted herself off and...cursed.  Kelsey glared down at her five hostages? captives? Calaquendi odalisques?  What to do with them?  The landscape was bleak, no really good crevices she could wedge them in.

"What to do with you, my precious?"

"You could just let us go" suggested one, but with the gag still firmly in place it came out "Do bood fusslemme doe."

"No, no that wouldn't do at all," Kelsey mused, "I'm not chasing you again, no I have a better idea."

He had been standing there a good ten minutes and was no closer to discovering who she was.  Sure he could go over there and ask her, in fact his job as a guard stipulated he do so, but he had always fancied himself more the secret agent elf (alas the FBEI had rejected his application three times hence his military position.)  

Anyway, he decided, these were uncertain times and it was best not to question strange girls who suddenly landed in Mordor.  He had briefly considered using the bear trap, but he figured if she had managed to chew her way out of it and come after him, she would most likely be very angry.

His ruminations were abruptly ended by a sharp poking.

Kelsey had been trying to get his attention for what seemed like hours but he had stood there stoically lost in thought, his silence punctuated  only by the occasional "hmm."  Only when her tapping had reached a furious pace had he turned around...and screamed.  In the history of screams, there have been many that convey the truly brave and noble nature of the screamer, this was not one of them.  The guard was shrieking like a little girl and showed no intentions of stopping.

"Um....right, I have to go find Nemis and try to help save your king, so if you could watch them" she motioned to her captives who were stiffling snorts of laughter at the guard's display "that would be great."  She skipped off toward the main tent leaving alone one very relieved, though still visibly confused elven guard. 

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**Part 18** (in which there seems to be no time for plans) (or: what happens when two members post at once)

**Collaboration of Casey and Joan**

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"Don't. You. Move," Joan warns.

The fact that she does so while grabbing Fëanor's hair and attempts to pull him away from Nemis doesn't make the situation any less ridiculous.

Meanwhile, most members of UCMEC can see that Gil-galad's beaming is not only because of Nemis telling off Fëanor. As Nemis begins to severely blush, most of them get grins on their faces, all conscious of her feelings towards the High-king (or at least her version of him).

Glorfindel also seems extremely interested all of a sudden, but a warning look from Gil-galad seems to keep him at bay.

Fëanor meanwhile, is still struggling with Joan.

"This slip of a girl is NOT - " the overgrown Elf-lord growls, but nobody seems to listen. Some of the UCMECians are far more interested in writing up T-shirts reading "Nemis Ilúvatar" for the many Elven soldiers hanging around.

Gil-Galad's hair is still deciding what color it ought to be.

Casey, meanwhile, is studying Elrond, who is consuming large amounts of wine as all goes on around him. He looks at her.

'What?'

She raises her shoulders and grins. A drunken Elf-boy could be fun.

Nemis looks at Gil-galad and they exchange a nervous smile.

Casey begins fanning her face with one of the maps.

'Is it getting hot in here?'

Nemis gives her a glare, and Gil-galad folds his hands behind his back, locking his gaze on his boots, a smile playing around his lips.

Collecting a deep breath, Nemis looks at the others.

'I am... glad you could all make it, appendixes and all,' her eyes linger on Gollum, who seems to be ogling something she cannot see (since it is becoming kind of crowded, even in the ReallyBigTent), 'So I suppose we really have to start planning more concrete things for the coming day... Any suggestions?'

A storm of answers comes flying through the tent, all of them making 

very little or no sense at all.

'... Get magnets and throw them at Sauron, all at once.'

'... Call Greenpeace about that fume coming from Orodruin.'

'... smear the cracks of Mount Doom with soap and make Ring-boy slip.'

'... Get Legolas here too, and then sacrifice him religiously.'

Nemis purses her lips as she raises a hand.

'It's the humour/parody thing, isn't it? Anything serious?'

No answer from anyone...

"Very well, then," Nemis muses to the UCMECians, "we're going to take turns making sure HE doesn't leave the tent..."

"Or you, for the matter," Alena adds, kicking at Gollum.

"... and that he and 'Feeny' don't kill each other when we're not looking."

"Who's gonna ever stop looking at either of them?" Casey wonders, giving Gil-Galad a disturbingly hungry look.

Nemis gives her a LOOK. "And someone get Maglor to stop... whatever it is he's doing."

Eómer shrugs and sits on the Elf, earning satisfied nods from all around, Fëanor included.

"Excuse me," Elrond chimes in suddenly, trying to ignore the gleam in the girls' eyes as they turn to look at him, "but it seems you have all forgotten, we have a war to run here. The High King is needed in the field."

"The High King is needed *alive!*" Casey yelps, but Joan frowns.

"He's right, you guys. Someone has to kick Evil-Fire-Breath-Guy's arse. I don't think Ele-"

Nemis cringes. "Don't!"

"Alright, then. Don't think Ringboy and company can do it alone."

"Which means we get to take over!" Katy answers merrily.

Joan looks at Nemis, who looks at Gil-Galad, who looks at Elrond, who promptly passes out.

Just then, great horns can be heard blowing in the distance. Everyone present and armed in the tent instinctively draws their swords as a panting silver-haired Elf bursts in, a bloodied dagger in his hand.

"My lord High King!" He breathes. "Orcs are upon us!"

Without a moment's wait, the Elven soldiers storm outside. Gil-Galad tries to yank his shield back from Gollum.

As one the UCMECians looks at Katy, she gulps.

"What was that about taking over?" Kelsey asked, entering the tent.

None of them seems willing to wrench Gollum from the shield, and he continues hissing 'precciousssss' from time to time. Gil-galad gives Katy a dark look.

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**Part 19** (in which Kendo Classes seem more Interesting after being Dumped in Mud)

**Lady Harlequin**

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Lady Harlequin (though she prefers Harle) was walking down the street from the dojo, her naginata on her back and a song in her head. She had just whipped the asses of her so-called "rivals" in kendo class, and was ready to make the move to a higher level of training. What else could go wrong? When suddenly...

"YAAAAAIIIII!!!!!"

SPLAT!!!

Harle groaned from where she lay in the huge puddle of what in her vocabulary would be known as ick. "Ah BLEEP!" she yelled, startling more than a few Elven guards and alerting them to her position. And almost immediately, they came down on her, an interesting variety of weapons pointed at her throat and various other vulnerable body parts.

She gulped as she looked up at them - and nearly swooned. "Is it just me or do Elves look hot when mad?"

One of them - currently armed with a bow - said something to Harle that she couldn't understand, since it was in Elvish.

She sighed, and slowly got to her feet, wiping off as much mud and muck as her sorry state would allow, revealing her standing in a once-white robe-like shirt and loose black trousers. There was a metal thing on top of her shirt, and looked vaguely like a breastplate. "Look, if you're going to talk to me, you might as well NOT talk in Elvish and get on to Westron. You're wasting your breath if that's how you're going to deal with me."

The Elvish archer eyed her suspiciously, and slowly lowered his weapon. "Who are you, Lady? Are you a friend of the Lady Nemis?"

Harle shrugged. "Yeah." She looked at him closely. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, haughty stare... Hey, what's your name?"

The archer seemed stunned by the question, but answered her anyway. "Haldir."

Almost instantly, a HUGE grin appeared on Harle's face, and the way she smiled it made Haldir a little more wary of her. "Oh, Haldir eh?" With that, she started laughing to herself, the soft, evil laugh of a woman who knows something that others don't.

Sensing the discomfort and the growing suspicion of the Elf, Harle stifled her laughter, and straightened herself up. "Anyway, could you guys take me to wherever Nemis is? I need to have a little chat with her." 

Haldir nodded, and was about to lead her to where Nemis was, but Harle remembered something. "Wait!" She looked back to the pool of ick where she had fallen, and managed to pluck out something from the goo. "Ah HAH, here it is!" She stood up what looked like a spear. She wiped the sludge of off it, and revealed a staff-like weapon with a strangely shaped blade at the top of it.

Haldir looked at it, half with curiosity, and half with wariness. "What is this?"

Harle shrugged. "My weapon. We call it a naginata. Something like a cross between a spear and a sword." She eyed him viciously. "And if you so much as TOUCH it without MY permission, I am going to kick your ass from here all the way to Orodruin."

Haldir nodded, though he didn't think this girl was that much of a threat. With that thought in mind, he led the strange young girl with the even stranger clothes and weapon to Gil-galad's tent.

"My Lords," Haldir said to announce his presence, "there is a certain Lady Harle here who wishes to speak with Lady Nemis..."

Nemis looked up, confused. "Harle?"

"Actually, I'm Lady Harlequin in full," Harle said as she stepped into the tent, dripping water and muck everywhere. "And I don't think you would know me cause I'm just a new member to UCMEC, but I think you'll be needing my services...or so I'd like to believe."

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**Part 20** (in which we finally get some Plans) (or do we?)

**Katy**

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Katy gulps again. Then decides that action, and firm action at that, is needed.

"Gollum, off the shield or Smeagol's gonna get hurt...." She croons, ignoring the unidentifiable looks the rest of UCMEC are giving her.

"Preciousssss..." Hisses Gollum back.

"Ok, Maglor's got some fish paste. Go get him! That's it, good boy!"

Gollum detaches himself from the shield and Gil-galad promptly picks up his shield and rushes outside.

"WAIT!" Shouts Alena, "are we supposed to let him do that?"

"Nassssssty elf doesn't have fish paste." Gollum has returned to his position on Katy's leg.

Reaching into her pocket, Katy finds the Rolo foil she got given just before being sucked into Middle Earth and throws it at Gollum, who promptly detaches himself from her leg.

"What?" She protests "It was a whim of the moment thingy!"

"Take over meaning what?" Joan enquires, with the air of a rattlesnake regarding a gerbil.

"Control the battle using the power of the keyboard! Write in an invisible forcefield that has to keep Gil-galad and the fire guy at least 1 mile apart! Make the ring zoom away from ring-boy as soon as it's of fire-guy's finger! Make Gollum attach himself to ring boy! Join in the whole battle ourselves and kick serious ass! I dunno..." Katy panics, snapping her fingers wildly. "If we're gonna do anything we'd better do it quick too! Fire-guy's going to be coming out his tower soon..."

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**Part 21** (in which UCMEC goes to battle…) (…but aren't we forgetting someone?)

**Alena**

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Alena feels terribly torn. On the one hand, there is the lovely Elrond Peredhil passed out on the floor. On the other hand, she didn't write in a sword for herself for nothing, and they _are_ here to stop the lovely Ereinion Gil-galad from getting killed. After all, her duty as a good little Mary Sue demands that she go out there and kick some serious Fire-guy ass. She can always get Elrond drunk again later, with bad verses, perhaps.

Decisively, she pulls out her sword again and gives it a twirl, almost taking off Éomer's head in the process. 

"My fellow UCMECians, into the fray! For we are all-powerful and surpassingly brave! We are the Valar and Ilúvatar is Nemis, let's show Ring-boy and Fire-guy who the real power is!"

Elrond, who just a moment ago lifted his head from the floor, passes out again at her shrieking.  

Removing her hands from her ears, Nemis sends Alena a withering look.

"Okay, okay, all those in favor of getting out there, taking over the battle, and kicking ass, say Aye?"

"Only if I get to toss Ring-boy into the mountain!" Casey jumps up.

"Can someone please fill me in on _how_ we are planning on doing that, precisely?" Joan demanded persistently.

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**Part 22** (in which we discover what, or who, we forgot…)

**Nemis**

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Nemis gives a loud yell and every UCMECian seems to stop in their tracks. They watch the normally very peaceful Nemis getting red in  the face.

'The Big Battle of the Last Alliance is not going to be happening in another two days!'

Everyone looks at her.

'What?'

Nemis sits down on chair and points down at Elrond.

'He's passed out, and I am sure you all remember him being hunky and swoonworthy in the movie...'

All nod and ease up.

'Good. Now we have that straightened out, lets get outside and watch good old Gil kick the censored out of those Orcs, shall we?'

Casey looks at the T-shirts Joan was selling to the Elvish soldiers (which have now all run off to battle).

'Hey Nem, I think I have an idea...'

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**Part 23** (in which we have pom-poms, smurfs and the twilight zone…)

**Casey**

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As most members of UCMEC are leaving the tent, silver pompoms at the ready and dressed in blue outfits (with silver stars), it is Casey that stays a little behind.

With a grin she prods Elrond with her foot, hearing a soft moan, like someone who is half asleep and unwilling to wake up.

Standing over him, she turns him unto his back and watches the Halfelven's half-closed eyes slowly open.

There is a moment in Elrond's mind in which he does not yet realise who is watching down on him. The moment is a nice one, with butterflies and images of Celebrían and him doing stuff they will not be allowed to do until they are married... Boy, is he sorry when its over.

Because the next moment he is wide-eyes and up, but accidentally trips over twelve History of Middle-earth volumes which Nemis brought to give Katy. (the Last Alliance is perfect place to exchange stuff like that)

As he scurries over the floor (imagine bad horror-flick in which Mary-Sueish girl tries to get away from Bad Man Carrying Axe)(in this case, hunky, but drunk, Elf-lord who flees from Bad Girl Who Has Written Too Many Self-Insertion Fics With Him As The Object of Her Affection), Casey follows, laughing evilly.

'Aaw El, don't be like this... It's not like it's something you haven't done before...'

_Meanwhile... Somewhere near the battlefield..._

Nemis is leading her fellow members up a small hill, from where they can oversee the skirmish perfectly. All are silent, because she got kinda angry when one of them (mimicking a smurf) asked her:

'How much farther, Papa Smurf?' The person's luck had held, as she had not been able to distinguish who it had been.

Reaching the top of the hill, she excitedly points a pompom at Gil-galad, who looks very impressive and strapping (beefy, robust and sturdy also come to mind)(her mind), in his fighting attire.

They all wave at him (including Gollum, who, by the way is still attached to Katy's leg, and Autumn's chibi god of death), except Fëanor and Eómer, who seem extremely uncomfortable wearing skirts and handling pompoms.

(Strange, seen the fact Elves are comfortable wearing robes... What's the difference?)

twilight zone tune

Casey's voice: how do Elves get away with it, wearing those robes and still be so manly? Is it because they call them robes, instead of dresses (Purple? Anyone?)? And with that long hair, how many instances could there have been in the long, long years they have spent on Middle-earth, in which male Elves were mistaken for female Elves? In this episode... music is stopped with sound of a scratching record

A pom-pom hits Casey in the head (the Casey that is sitting behind the computer, not the one in the ReallyBigTent with Elrond), and she angrily looks at the Nemis who is standing on the little hill.

'What?' 

'Does it look like I care about Elves in robes now? I wanna see Gil-galad do manly thingies. In armour.'

Casey prepares to click the send button on her email-on-site-thingy.

'Write it yourself. I'm going to bed.'

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**Part 23** (in which we get a loooove bubble…)

**Autumn**

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Autumn looks around, slightly confused as to what's going on. She flips out her many printed pages of the fic and re-reads many portions as the other UCMECers watch Gil-galad doing manly things and drool. For a moment, she does the same but is quickly knocked to her senses by chibi duo and his wee scythe which he uses skillfully on 

her head. Looking up, she sees his flying close to her head with his fists on his hips.

"Hello? We do have a High King to save, do we not?"

Everyone looks at chibi duo, even Nemis.

"So what're we gonna do?"

"Lets feed Gollum to the fire breath guy, give him indigestion." 

Everyone stops to consider Alena's suggestion as Gollum looks around nervously.

"Wait!" Autumn looks to chibi duo who has gone and sat on Nemis' shoulder. "You could do the thing...with the...thing and..." She stops to ponder just what she is trying to say when chibi duo stands on Nemis' shoulder and pops a pink wad of something in his mouth. He soon blows it into a pink, see through bubble and whips it at Gil-galad who becomes trapped within it's confines. Many of the UCMECers eyes get wide and Nemis attempts to kill chibi duo.

"Let him out, let him out! I can't see him doing manly things now!" 

Autumn snatches a very dazed chibi duo back.

"It's a loooove bubble."

"A loooove bubble?" Everyone asks simultaneously.

"It feeds of every puppy face, dove eyes and swooney look you guys throw at him. As long as there are people to ogle Gil-galad, he will be safe in the loooove bubble." Meanwhile, Gil-galad is trying to poke the loooove bubble with his spear but it shows no sign of breaking and actually strengthens as the UCMECers look back at him.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 24** (in which we find out what is in Katy's bag…)

**Katy**

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The Loooove bubble seems to weaken a tiny bit as Katy turns away and begins to attempt getting Gollum off her legs. It's quite uncomfortable having a small slimy creature like that attatched to one of your essential limbs and it's about time he went and bugged someone else.

"Will you get off!" Katy hisses through clenched teeth "Or my legs will go green and fall off."

"Gollum wants a fisssssh or some sweet preciousssss." Her pet hisses back.

"Please, just get off or I'm sending you back home. And you'll get a bath!"

"Nasssssty elves with bright eyesesss." Gollum is remembering his last bath. He clings tighter to Katy's leg.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Roars his owner. "WHERE'S MY BAG?!" 

As if by magic, a large, old tattered rucksack in a particularly vile shade of puce appears. Grabbing it and unearthing a bottle of Kenco Rappor from inside it Gollum is shoved inside and the lid put on firmly.

"And that's why the Greenpeace plan won't work. I'll get done for cruelty to animals." Katy explains, waving the coffee jar around. 

Gollum is now squashed against the glass and is amusing himself by making rude noises against the glass.


	5. A Dark Side...?

**Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance**

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

**Nemis** (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

**Katy** (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

**Casey** (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

**Joan** **Milligan** (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

**Kelsey** (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: '_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_.'

**Alena** (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

**Autumn** (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

**Harle** (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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**Chapter 5 A Dark Side…?**

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**Part 25** (in Which the Samurai Gets What She Wishes For, Though the Rest will Want to Kill Her For It)

**Lady Harlequin **

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Harle was a little depressed when she noticed that her lord Gil-galad had been trapped in a looooove bubble. Just like Nemis, she had hoped to see him do "manly things", while not stuck in a protective bubble. A hint of a non-evil smile appeared on her face as she imagined what Gil-galad would look like in the middle of a heated battle…those sexy eyes of his flashing with the infamous Noldorin fire as he struck his opponents down…his pale face spattered with dark crimson blood…and the possibility of getting to wipe off all that gunk at the end of the fight…

She shook her head sharply. _Nah can't do that. Nemis has claim to him already. _But her wicked smile was back as she took a momentary glance at the line of archers. Though her lord Elrond was not there as of the moment (he was still in the Really Big Tent in a drunken stupor, while Casey is helping him to "recover"), she wasn't exactly looking for him. Her eye fell on a blonde-haired archer in the front ranks, and her evil smile widened as she thought of all the possibilities she had in store for Haldir…

Her eye swept over the battlefield again, watching the carnage swirl and surge around their little hill. Though she had donned the blue outfits with silver stars and had her own set of silver pompoms, she had kept her naginata with her. _No sense going into the fray unarmed, _she had told herself. 

But now… Her fingers were itching. She desperately wanted to just drop the pompoms, take out her naginata, and just strode down the hill and cut a path for herself all the way to Orodruin. However, she couldn't do that unless she had permission from her fellow UCMEC members, and from her lords themselves. But Gil-galad was in a bubble, Elrond was drunk, and Nemis was determined not to let the fight start unless Elrond was back on his feet. 

She sighed as she leaned on her weapon. _C'mon, oh great and mighty Valar, give me a couple of Orcish troops! I can't be the Samurai of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond, and UCMEC if you aren't gonna let me fight! I NEED to shed some Orc blood! I need violence! I need to kill! I need to FIGHT!! _

Harle blinked, remembering what Alena said. _Wait; didn't she mention something about us being the Valar and Nemis Ilúvatar? So if I'm a Vala, and I wish for a couple of Orcish troops, then…_

RAUGH!!

Harle whirled around, just as her fellow UCMECians did, and was greeted by the sight of several large, slavering, ugly, pockmarked, hunchbacked, bug-eyed, stinky, dirty Orcs. All of them armed to the teeth.

Harle smiled evilly (she does that a little TOO often, doesn't she?), and her eyes gleamed red all of a sudden. She unstrapped her naginata from her back, and took her position. "It's party time!"

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**Part 26** (in which we get what we always wanted)

**Katy**

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Gil-galad, once finally free of the love bubble (because Nemis made Chibi Duo God of Death let him go as she wanted to see more manly action) has gone back to doing just that. UCMEC (apart from Fëanor and Éomer, who are -surprisingly enough- arguing again) all ooohh and ahhhh while watching him, completely ignoring Gollum's cries of 'Preciousssss' and Casey running up to join them.

They do however notice Elrond storming up a moment later with a face like thunder. He ignores them and approaches Gil-galad on the battle field. From where they stand they can hear shouting and indignation from where they stand.

'What's up with El?' Asks Nemis, still ogling Gil-galad.

'Well...' Casey starts.

'Well what?' Demands Alena, 'He doesn't look too happy with any of us.'

Joan strains her ears to hear the conversation between the High King and his Regent. 'He said seduce'

The rest of UCMEC turns, trying not to fall over numerous smut writers who have also crept up to watch the battle, and glares at Casey.

'Were you trying to do what I think you were?' Enquires Alena sweetly.

They are suddenly interrupted by Katy (who has been disappearing into the nasty puce bag, which it seems is bottomless). 'OHHHHHHHHHHH! ' She squeals emerging with two figures in her hands 'Action figures! and they're alive!' The two tiny figures struggle to get free but are held fast. 'There's a little Ereinion one…just like I wanted!'

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**Part 27** (in which we get one more guest…) (or: as if we do not have enough characters)

**Alena**

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'Awww...they're so adorable!' 

'Oh, aren't you the cutest ittle bittle itty bitty Elfy-wiffy?'

'Let me hold little Ronders! I wanna play with him!'

Immediately, all of the UCMEC members are distracted, crowding around Katy. The two miniature Elves wriggle in her hands, desperately trying to get away from the vast faces of the women looming above them. 

'How come there isn't a, what do you call it, 'action figure' of me?' Fëanor grunts, 'When I am soooooo much fairer, mightier, nobler, and just plain cooler than those two?'

'You forgot sooooo much weirder, loonier, vainer, and just plain creepier, if you want some kind of Mini-me of you running around...' Éomer retorts.

Her treacherous deeds now completely forgotten, Casey smiles in triumphant. 'Great timing of Katy to pull them out just now!  It's good that I bribed her with a promise to share El with her and only her...'

Across the battlefield, the real Gil-galad and the real Elrond exchanged a glance.

'Now what?' Gil-galad wonders.

'Do you really want to know?' asks his Vice-regent.

'No.'

'Ah...my two favorite Elves. Together. I see possibilities. Definite possibilities.' A strangely familiar voice behind them drawls.

Gil-galad and Elrond spin around at the same time.

The newcomer is a dead-ringer for Nemis, except for the dark smile playing about her lips.

***~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^**

**Part 28** (in which Nemis is not to glad to see her nemesis)

**Nemis**

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On top of the hill, as if something strangely draws her to it, Nemis tears away her eyes from the little Ereinion Action figure, scanning the plain before her. There, she sees that the orcs have retreated, if only for the day (or two). 

But there, also, something more dangerous seems to have replaced them.

Her breath becomes uneven, her eyes grow large.

'No, this cannot be happening...'

The others look at her.

'What?'

Nemis points at the character standing near Gil-galad and Elrond, unable to utter a word.

Casey swallows.

'This is bad...'

Katy nods.

'Really, really bad.'

Alena catches Nemis's arm.

'How did it get here?' (like she doesn't know)

Joan also seems to understand what has just happened. Autumn and Kelsey look on in silence. Only Harle seems unaware of the seriousness of the situation.

'What? Who's that?'

Nemis seems to be going into some kind of shock situation, slightly rocking on her feet.

'I warned people of this... I thought she had been buried deep down in the cracks of Mount Doom...'

Harle narrows her brow.

'Who?'

Alena whispers, and only her voice and the wind plaguing the plain can be heard.

'Dark Nemis...'

Meanwhile, down on the plain, Gil-galad and Elrond also seem to understand the gravity of the situation. Gil-galad tilts his head.

'I had forgotten about you...'

The Dark One smiles, her eyes observing, a thousand secrets lying behind them. Terrible things... Terrifying things...

'Did you, now? Perhaps your frail little Elvish minds were simply not able to fathom me... You simply repressed it all...'

From the hill, a cry can be heard, and Nemis seems to be making her way down the muddy hill (rather sliding), the other members of UCMEC following.

Elrond looks at the Dark One.

'How can this be? Are you twins? Relations of some other sort?'

The Dark One utters an evil, deep, throaty laugh.

'It would be convenient to think it so... But we are one, merely two sides of the same person... Being hidden for most of the time, the moments when I do come forward are to be feared. For my power is equal, if not beyond that of my other half...

Nemis arrives and while still running, throws her entire bodyweight against that of the Dark One. Together they plummet to the ground.

'You...' Nemis screams, as she punches her alter-ego, '...were not...' she catches the collar of the other's coat and thumbs her into the yuck again, '...supposed to be here.'

The Dark One simply pushes her off and rises.

'Such wishful thinking... Where you are, I am too... Do you not know that?'

Nemis looks at Gil-galad and Elrond.

'I am _so_ sorry about this...'

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 29** (in which Dark Nemis goes out to play)

Katy 

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The rest of UCMEC glare (as if to try and make the nasty alter ego of Nemis go away -or at least dissolve into a puddle of yuck) at the Dark Nemis, who stands in front of them grinning evilly and looking generally dodgy, nasty and many other negative sounding words that I can't be bothered to write.

Casey and the Real Nemis are trying to subtly shield the objects of their affection (Elrond and Gil-galad) from the malevolent and lecherous Dark Nemis will probably be giving them when she's finished giving triumphant evil looks at the UCMEC members.

"First of all," Dark Nemis breathes "I want them." She points at all the Elf Lords UCMEC just happen to be 'interested' in. "And I want Gothaur's ring. And you all know that I am powerful enough to have it and to rule it."

Joan clears her throat suddenly, having just realised something. "If you're Dark Nemis then you must be all of what she isn't."

"That's right." The Dark One smiles an evil smile again.

"Meaning that if we're on the Last Alliance's side then you must be on Fire-Guy's side..."

"Correct..."

"...which means that even though you might be more powerful than Nemis, you're still outnumbered by...oh...all of these guys, now your orc friends have gone to kiss Fire Guy's ass." She gestures at the large number of Elven soldiers now surrounding them, while smiling smugly and almost as evilly as Dark Nemis.

The smile disappears from the Dark Nemis' face for a fraction of a second, then it is replaced by one perhaps even more devious.

"Then for the moment I'll take this..." She snaps her fingers and the paracetemol, Alena's sword, Joan's written evidence proving the hair colour of a certain elf, Casey's remaining pom-pom, Kelsey's spare gag (for any other Elven soldiers she might catch), Nemis' warm coat, Harle's left shoe and the Coffee Jar containing Gollum all

disappear and reappear moments later, floating in the air above Dark Nemis.

There are curses, exclamations and 'no!' thrown through the air at Dark Nemis by the UCMEC Valar and Elrond (the painkillers-remember?), but none seem to affect her. Not in the slightest.

"You can have these too!" A voice from the top of the hill cries.

Fëanor's voice. One large puce bag comes propelled through the air, a bag that just happens to contain certain action figures.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" Cries Katy, diving to catch it in rugby player style, covering herself in the yuck and sheets of slash fics left behind by the departed yaoi writers in the process.

Dark Nemis gives a very evil cackle as the bag flies away from Katy's outstretched arms and into her own. The laughter keeps on for a while afterwards. "Well well well, what have we here? An Elrond...and Ereinion..." She laughs "I'll take this with me too..."

At that moment, Chibi God of Death starts hammering her on the head with his Ickle scythe, distracting the Dark One enough for Katy to snatch the puce bag from her arms, hugging it very tightly.

"You can have this one!" She yells, throwing a miniature pair of legs and torso at the Dark one, hitting her straight in the eye.

"You shall pay for that!!!" Dark Nemis hisses, pointing at Chibi Duo and Katy "This is not the last you will see of me weaklings!" She then disappears in a puff of foul smelling black smoke. 

Katy turns and shrugs at the rest "It was only the mini Legolas she got in her eye...remember...I disembowelled him last night.

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**Part 30 **(in which Casey is trying to get some answers from Glorfindel)

Nemis 

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Nemis nods (she's heard all about Katy's torturing of the Legolas Action figure, and has discovered you can do interesting things with microwaves). Then she shivers and looks at Gil-galad.

'Can we go back to the ReallyBigTent?'

Silently the High-king nods, looking at Elrond and the others.

'I suppose this is a good time to clean up and have something to eat.'

Soothingly he puts his hand on Nemis's shoulder, since she looks really depressed and worn out.

As the group wanders back to the tent, the rest of UCMEC walk a little behind.

Casey looks at Alena.

'I think this is where our 'plans' are going to run out of hand…' (like we had a plan) She muses.

Alena nods and looks at Katy, Autumn and Kelsey, while Joan is chasing Fëanor, and Harle is checking some Orcs to see if they really are dead (which they are).

'As long as we were in charge, this was fine, but now that Dark Nemis is here too, things might get a bit tricky.'

'Well, as long as we can protect Gil-galad…'

'…and Elrond…' Autumn interjects.

'…we should be fine.' Katy finishes.

Casey doesn't seem so sure.

'Well, Evil-fire-breath guy was pretty censored off with good old Gil and our El, you know, after that stunt they pulled after the fall of Eregion. One of his main objectives is probably kicking the censored out of them.'

Fëanor comes running by and slows down as he reaches Casey.

'You said you knew where the Silmarils are? Tell me?'

Casey grins evilly.

'What's in it for me?'

Fëanor's face clouds over.

'What do you mean?'

'On second thought, never mind, I wouldn't want the wrath of Nerdanel over me… Are you sure you want to know?'

Fëanor nods emphatically. Casey goes into an uncontrollable fit of laughter before she recovers immediately and looks at Fëanor very seriously.

'Your boy Maedhros tossed himself and his Silmaril into some volcano thingy, and the little thumb sucker back in the tent chucked his into the sea… I'll show you where the other one is, tonight…'

Entering the tent, they all see the maps have been cleared and food has magically appeared on the long table (as if li'l magic elfies have brought it in as the battle was going on) (random thought: shouldn't those elfies have been fighting?)

Gil-galad goes to change into something that isn't covered in orc-blood (it somehow isn't that sexy when your eating, I wonder why?) and Elrond has disappeared to his own tent to do the same.

Glorfindel is the first to join the UCMECians (who have all miraculously lost any trace of mud, blood or other aesthetically unpleasing markings).

Casey whistles and points at a spot between her and Katy. Katy gives her a glare (there's still that Fozzie Bear thing that needs clearing up), but Casey gives her a comforting wink.

'Hey, Glor, let's say, if in a couple of millennia, like, a while after a certain perenniath who has previously been in search for gold, comes to Imladris to live there, and Arwen asks you something about borrowing your horse, could you be a dear and say *_no*_?'

Glorfindel looks at her strangely.

'Why would she ask that of me, my Lady? There are enough horses in the stables of Imladris… But who is Arwen?'

Casey frowns.

'I forgot about that… Hmm…' She collects a pocket edition of Fellowship of the Ring from somewhere, and starts flipping through it. '…_a lady fair to look upon, and so like was she in form of womanhood to Elrond that_… uhm someone…_guessed that she was one of his close kindred. Young she was and yet not so. The braids of her dark hair were touched by no frost, her white arms and clear face were flawless and smooth, and the light of stars was in her bright eyes, grey as a cloudless night; yet queenly she looked, and thought and knowledge were in her glance, as of one who has known many things that the years bring_.'

Now it's Glorfindel's turn to frown.

'That's not much to go by.'

'Hey, but didn't you know Lúthien?' Casey questions, collecting the Silmarillion from somewhere too. 'She's supposed to look like Lúthien… And could you please tell me about this whole two Glorfindels business, while you're at it? That would really clear things up.'

At this moment, Elrond enters (looking to thud for) and sits down next to Joan (who seems to be safe, or *_safer*_, than the others) at the end of the table. He looks at Nemis, who is sitting across from him.

'Are you well, my Lady?'

At this moment, not even Elrond being nice and courteous can cheer Nemis up, but she manages a weak smile.

'I'm fine.'

Then Gil-galad enters, dressed in _robes_ (not a dress) and sits at the head of the table, Nemis at his right hand, Elrond at his left.

With a nod he motions everyone to start eating, and they do.

Casey takes a bite from some meat and looks at Glorfindel.

'Do you suppose you can eat Orcs?' 

Glorfindel gives her an evil smile.

'What do you think that is?'

Casey spits the piece of meat over the table and hits Glorfindel over the head with the Silmarillion (she would have used the bound version of Lord of the Rings, but she didn't bring it).

Protecting his head Glorfindel cries out.

'I was joking, it's not Orc.'

Gil-galad gives the both of them a warning look.

'If you cannot behave, I'd rather you leave.'

Glorfindel turns pale and returns to his plate. No way is he going to risk his place in this fic, since he probably wasn't at the Last Alliance to begin with, and he needs to get enough page-miles (which you get for each page of fic you appear on) to pay for the lavish amounts of hair-conditioner he uses. (now you know why Legolas's hair is so shiny)

Not eating himself, Gil-galad looks at Nemis.

'Is it you worry about this dark side?'

Nemis nods, resting her chin on her hand and sighs.

'I suppose if I leave, so would Dark Nemis.'

Casey shakes her head.

'No, you don't, first, she would probably not leave with you, since she didn't exactly *_come*_ with you… And second: you can't be leaving now!'

Gil-galad nods, and lowers his voice.

'A word with you in private, Lady? After dinner?'

Nemis nods and catches a wink from Casey.

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Hmm… where are the reviewers?

It's not as if we're going to stop of no one reviews…


	6. Dinner in the ReallyBigTent...

**Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance**

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

**Nemis** (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

**Katy** (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

**Casey** (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

**Joan Milligan** (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

**Kelsey** (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: '_Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas_.'

**Alena** (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

**Autumn** (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

**Harle** (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

**Reactions on reviews** (by Nemis): to Mouse: about Melkor's Green underwear: Joan's part of the fic, so I won't/can't elaborate too greatly on it; it started as a joke on UCMEC (doesn't everything ;)) in which Joan thought I could get her interested in just about anything, including the true colour of Melkor's Underwear (which she insists is green, I personally think they're white with red polka-dots)

To jilian baade: about plot suggestions: we can't promise anything, but thanks for the suggestion!

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**Chapter 6 Dinner in the ReallyBigtent**

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**Part 31** (in which Alena tries to cheer Nemis up)

**Alena**

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Joan leans over and nudges Harle.

"What do you think Nemis is up to?"

"Well, we'll just have to keep an eye on her and find out, I guess..." Harle whispers, narrowing her eyes across the table.

Meanwhile, Alena exchanges a glance with Elrond, also making a mental note to follow Nemis closely. Nevertheless, she tries to comfort the fearless leader of UCMEC.

"Look, this Dark Nemis, she's just another side of you, right? So theoretically, you should have all the powers she has. All we have to do is to get our plan together. After all, there is only one of her and nine of us."

"Eight. And evil always has the advantage when it's like this. I mean, it's not so much what powers one has, but how far one would go..." Nemis's voice trailed off.

"I bet you could take her down mano-a-mano, when the big battle comes. You just have to believe! Use the Force!"

"Give the motivational speaker shtick a miss, Alena," Nemis shrugs at Alena's over-enthusiasm. "And I don't think they have the Force on Middle-earth. Plus, everybody's basically running and drooling all over the place, Do we even have an actual plan?" But then she shakes herself out of her moodiness. Gil-galad alone, in only another hour's time!

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**Part 32** (in which Fozzie Bear returns…)

**Katy**

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The meal continues on, Nemis still trying to think of her meeting with Gil-galad (I saw the card, does a major swoon) instead of the fact that her Dark alter ego is at this moment scheming with Fire-Guy up in his decidedly twisted scary tower. The rest are in spirits higher than hers, though that could range from not-as-low-as-Nemis-but-still-pretty-low to hyperactive.

Fëanor is giving dark glares at his son (who has thank goodness stopped sucking his thumb) while Casey is trying to gain a written declaration from Glorfindel that he will NOT let Arwen get anywhere near the horse he hasn't yet got. Katy and Maglor are both sulkily looking at their food (Maglor because of his less than enthused father and Katy because of being reminded about Fozzie Bear).

Elrond is trying to take it all in (going to take him sometime I think ;-)) While Joan is staring at Fëanor giving him the you'd better not even think about it glares.

The meal goes reasonably well, and Katy stands after her third helping of nice elven pudding (so nice in fact that I don't even know the name). "Where do we sleep? I need rest." She shoulders the puce bag.

"One of the attendants will escort you." Gil-galad nods to the guy next to him who is pouring Nemis more wine. (drowning her sorrows...HAH!)

Katy nods and follows the guy outta the tent. They walk through the collection of medium sized tents when suddenly a bleeping noise (rather like a certain yellow wrist watch) becomes audible.

"Er...can we hurry up?" Katy asks, frantically pulling at the attendant's sleeve.

"Certainly my Lady...ooof." The wind is knocked out of him during the collision with another elf.

The bleeping becomes louder and Katy throws herself at the new comer. "PLEASE! I WANNA GO SOMEWHERE SAFE FROM THE CHEAP ELECTRONIC SOUNDS!!!" She pleads, grasping the unfortunate elf's tunic in desperation.

A lamp is uncovered and the attendant (now floored) and Katy look into the face of none other than....

Erestor.

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**Part 33** (in which the Samurai Decides to Meet Dark Nemis Head On...But is Stopped by A Certain Ringboy and is Rescued by a Certain Blonde Archer)

**Harle**

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Harle snickers when she hears Katy's piteous wail from outside the tent, which is followed by a crash (or, put more precisely, a splat) as two bodies collide and fall down on the mud around the Really Big Tent. 'Ah, the annoyances of technology! I truly pity Katy, though. Bless the True Valar that I didn't bring anything to annoy me that much!' It was a good thing that her little sister was not an LOTR fan, or else there would've been hell to pay if she got sucked into the Last Alliance with her.

But THIS little UCMEC Vala is getting bored (AGAIN!). There is really no one she can actually chat up to. Gil-galad is with Nemis, trying to bring her spirits up again with LOTS of wine (yum! Berry-like in taste but not too overwhelming!) and the promise of a private chat in one hour's time. Fëanor is no longer glaring at his son but seems pretty deep in his thoughts, and Harle would rather not interfere with him while in such a state (what's he thinking about? How to get back the Silmarils?). Casey and Glorfindel are still busy discussing stuff together that seems to involve Arwen and a horse. Joan is the only one to talk to her for the whole duration of supper, but now she is busy herself, sending glares at Fëanor that would make Sauron himself shrink down to the size of a pea.

After pushing the last remains of her Elven pudding around on her plate, she finally decides that supper is over for her. Harle slowly gets up, and bows to Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond, and Nemis. "My Lords and great, gracious UCMEC leader," she says, "may I please be excused? There is something I need to attend to."

Her lord Gil-galad nods, in the same grace and gravity that can be expected from the High-King of the Noldor. "You may, Lady Harle."

Nemis looks at her for a moment, then asks, "What are you going to do?" 

Harle shrugs in response. "Meditate, maybe. Or if all else fails I can go to the battlefield and chop down a few Orcs. Excellent therapy, I tell ya; gets rid of all the stress."

"Oh," Nemis says with a nod. "Okay."

Harle grins. "Thank you." She is not surprised that no response has come yet from her lord Elrond, for he still seems busy trying to get his brain to digest all of these sudden occurrences that have come and upset his almost perfect world. She turns on her heel, and heads out of the tent, intent on finding Katy and resting up for a while in their own Really Big Tent (the UCMECians got a Really Big Tent all to themselves, thanks to the magnanimous generosity of her lord Gil-galad).

But as she was walking there, she managed to catch a glimpse of Mount Doom, and an idea formed in her mind. What if she went up there on her own, and took down Dark Nemis herself? Not only would she get her shoe back (she is currently wearing a pair of leather boots one of the Elves lent her, while her left shoe was gone), but also she would be able to avenge herself AND do Nemis a very big favor!!

With a happy and yet evil grin Harle steps forward to begin the long trudge down the hill, her naginata at the ready to cut a path for herself to Orodruin, when suddenly, a large, soft cloth resembling a thick blanket is dropped over her, blinding and incapacitating her for a moment.

"WHAT THE BLEEP!" Harle cries as someone yanks her naginata from her hands. "Hey, give that BACK!!! HEY!!!" But her shouts go unheeded as ropes are tied around her, the blanket still over her head and her body and making her feel like she's some sort of burrito.

Laughter sounds from all around her, followed by voices. They are male, but do not have the same melodic quality of the Elves. They are the voices of Men. "Clever ploy, Lord Isildur!" exclaims one.

A deeper one chuckles, and Harle can almost see him nod. "Aye, I do suppose you are right." A hand pokes her in the side through the blanket, and Harle nearly blows her top. She wants to kill this guy, but the problem is, she is weaponless. Without her naginata, she is completely helpless. "Now we shall find out what these strange... UCMECians... have been planning with Gil-galad and Elrond."

"There's no way in hell I'm going to tell you anything, Ringboy!" Harle screams back at him, though her voice loses its effectiveness due to the fact that the blanket is muffling her words.

"Tell me Lady, what can I...give you in exchange for the information you hold?"

"Nothing! A true Samurai cannot be bribed by anything! We are unquestionable in our loyalty to our leaders, and in this case, that unquestionable loyalty is given to Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond, and Nemis! If they say I can talk to you - which I highly doubt - I'll tell you anything you want to know, but since they didn't mention anything, then I won't!"

At that precise moment, another voice speaks, this time definitely that of an Elf. "Unhand the girl, Lord Isildur, or I shall have to report you to Gil-galad and the Lady Nemis herself. If you do not cooperate, then I shall take matters into my own hands."

There are several muttering sounds from around her, and soon, the ropes are gone, and the blanket is lifted from her head. Now finally able to breathe fresh air, Harle screams with joy. "THANK YOU, oh great and mighty savior of mine!" With that she jumps onto the nearest male object - which happens to have blonde hair and pointy ears, by the way - and promptly begins to hug the air out of him.

She is greeted by a wheezing cough. "Your gratitude is highly accepted, but I would be even more grateful if you allowed me to breathe."

"Oh, sorry!" Harle exclaims as she jumps off her rescuer. Then her jaw slackens as she stares at the person who has rescued her, and her cheeks promptly turn red. "Haldir?"

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**Part 34** (in which Kelsey teaches Fëanor poker…)

**Kelsey**

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Meanwhile back in the really big tent, Kelsey was also growing listless. Everyone seemed engaged in fairly interesting pursuits such as drowning their sorrows in the bottom of Elvish wine. She rooted around in her pockets for something to amuse her and came across a dirty and bent pack of playing cards from Caesars in Atlantic City. She could play solitaire but really what fun was that? Then a fiendishly clever idea came into her head.   
She strolled over to Fëanor as nonchalantly as possibly with a wolfish grin plastered across her face.   
"Excuse me Feeny, what are you doing?"  
"I am contemplating the return of my precious Silmarils." he said glowering.  
"That's what I figured, look I have a proposition for you...I will help you get them back, I am a Vala after all, if you beat me at a game of cards."  
"Cards?"  
"You want 'em back or not? Because I'm sure Elrond or Gil Galad would be happy to take them..." she teased.  
"No! No!" he dove to his knees before Kelsey, "I will do what you say oh great vala of... of.. of whatever you are the gracious Vala of."  
"Thats more like it, ok the game is strip poker you'll learn as we go along."  
She dealt out the cards and looked at him "Ok show me what you have."  
He held out a full house. "Oh, sorry Feeny you lose look I have a 2, 5, 7, 8 and a jack."  
"So I do not get my Silmarils?" he asked his bottom lip quivering and very unmanly tears brimming in his eyes.  
"Not necessarily, that was just the first round, you now have to take off an article of clothing, the game isn't over until at least one elf is naked."  
"But you are not an elf..."  
"Don't quibble over semantics its not attractive. Now.." she grinned again "OFF WITH SOMETHING." 

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**Part 35** (in which we get a look in the Barad-dûr, and Gil-galad takes Nemis for a stroll)

**Nemis**

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_Meanwhile, somewhere in the Barad-dûr…_

Ringwraith Ostëa and Ringwraith Lemenya are watching Dark Nemis (I don't know if you can exactly call it watching, since, well Ringwraiths have no eyes) curiously, as she is sitting on one of the chairs of Sauron's conference room.

Dark Nemis has put her feet up, and darkly stares back, in a way that even scares the most powerful servants of the Dark Lord.

'Have you never seen a writer before?' She asks, a little irritated. 'Sheesh.'

The irritation is not because of the Ringwraiths, but rather because Sauron, because he is the "Dark Lord" (mimic along with you fingers if you like), thinks punctuality and bad-ass do not go well in the same sentence.

Dark Nemis disagrees (one of the few things Normal Nemis and she have in common: be bad, but keep to your schedule), but what can she do? It's not like you can force the Dark Lord out of his dressing room.

_What would that guy be doing there, anyway?_ She muses. According to the movie, he was no beauty (and there remains that thing about fiery breath and touch and stuff, which worried her alter ego so much) (the weakling, always swooning at the sight of male Elves over an Age of age), but in the Silmarillion, when he was still Anatar, he must have been kinda cute.

_Sure… A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…_ She smirks. She is right and ready to pull out her light-sabre and get jiggy with the Ringwraiths when indeed, Evil-Fire-Breath-Guy (a title she secretly enjoys, even though it was made up by those nitwit UCMECians) appears.

Sauron looks smug. (he's probably thinking about page-miles too)

'I do not get ficcers here often, an especially not their alter egos…'

Before he can continue, Dark Nemis has already lapsed into a comatose state laughing… Sauron glances at the Ringwraiths for some sort of confirmation but since they have no faces, doesn't really get more than a shrug. He can do nothing but wait until she is finished. 

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she puts up her feet again.

Sauron looks at her, prying.

'What was that about?'

'Just something I read on-line… Something about you and my-almost-favourite-Elf… Hmm… You _do_ get ficcers here, you-deceiver-you!'

Sauron gulps.

'I… uhm… Can we please get on with business?'

Dark Nemis smiles.

'You know about the UCMEC that has come to save Gil-galad?'

'I saw it in a Palantir I hacked, yes.' Sauron murmurs as he sits down and looks at Dark Nemis.

'Well, I guess you wouldn't want them to do that, right? Revenge and stuff.'

'And you want to _help_? Me?'

'Well, I want him and Elf-bo… I mean Elrond, the pretty little Peredhil, for myself.'

Sauron raises and eye-brow (inside info: Sauron has eyebrows duh-duh-duh who keeps playing that music?).

'Anything else?'

'One thing,' Dark Nemis replies, her face serious. '*I* want to kick Ring-boy into the Mountain. Personally…'

Sauron laughs evilly and leans towards her.

'There is only one thing…I never do business without a contract.'

He offers her a ring, but Dark Nemis only glares.

'I'm honoured, I'm sure, but I don't even know you, Evil-Fire-Brea… I mean, Melkor's side-kick-dude… ehm, well, what-ever-you-call-yourself-in-the-privacy-of-your-own-tower (at which point the title of Tolkien-character with the most names officially goes from Aragorn, aka Ellessar, aka Elfstone, aka Isil…err Ring-boy's heir, aka the Renewer, aka Longshanks, aka Wingfoot, aka Estel, aka Thorongil and, my personal favourite, TAFKAASOA (The Artist Formerly Known As Aragorn Son Of Arathorn), to Sauron (the Master, the Black One, the Freak in the Tower, blablablablablabla etc.etc.).

[**note to nitpickers hanging around, not reviewing**: No, 'the Freak in the Tower' is not officially in any of Tolkien's work (you can stop flipping through your collection of HoMe now)]

_Back in the ReallyBigTent:_

Rubbing his lower lip, Gil-galad watches Kelsey play poker with Fëanor. 

Somehow, he suspects that Kelsey is not playing by the rules of the game, since she has been winning with cards Fëanor has previously lost with.

With a smile he observes the Elf shed his undershirt (after his shoes and tunic have already been lost). On the other side of the table, Casey seems to be trying to get Glorfindel to tell her something, but the old devil does not give in.

(Gil-galad knows about the two Glorfindels of course; he has to commend the Elf, even though he's blonde, for a very original way of escaping a betrothal)

Taking a deep breath, he looks at Nemis, who seems to be in some kind of involuntary drinking contest with his vice-regent.

'My Lady, will you join me for a stroll? Since it does not seem a good idea to break in on such…' He glances at Fëanor, who throws another hand of cards onto the table in anger, '…interesting goings-on.'

'Sure,' Nemis nods, taking the arm he subsequently offers her.

Outside, taking a better look at her, Nemis seems a little bit less gloomy.

'You feel better, my Lady?'

'Call me Nemis, Mr Gil-galad, sir.'

'Call me Ereinion, then.'

Nemis blushes, but still smiles.

'I feel better because, well, I just finished another chapter, and my new chapter of my other fic is going well too.'

The High-king raises an eyebrow.

'I do not understand… You have written something?'

Nemis smiles.

'I've finally decided in which shoulder you were hit, years back.'

Gil-galad opens his mouth, but suddenly looks speechless.

'It's like… I never can quite explain where I was hit with that arrow… Like it's just out of my mind's reach.'

'It's the right side.'

Gil-galad looks at her.

'You are correct…' He moves his hand to the shoulder. 'I can feel it now… But, how can you, I… I can feel it because you wrote this?'

Nemis nods.

'Like the thing with your hair colour… There are certain guidelines we chose to abide by, but some are very sketchy… Sometimes this is good.'

'When is it not good?'

'Well, I like you dark-haired.'

Gil-galad folds her arm under his.

'And what is this about me dying?'

Nemis swallows audibly.

'The writer who originally invented you, killed you off during this battle… No one is certain how it exactly happens, either you wrestle with Evil-Fire-breath-Guy and get killed, or you get squashed by his mace (which would be nice and Silmarillion-y), or, and this really worries me, you get burned to death.'

Gil-galad silently nods.

'Not nice to look forward to. But why would you care? If the original writer did not, why would you?'

Nemis stops and looks at him.

'I'm not sure, Mr Gil… _Ereinion_… You are about two-hundred times older than I am, you're an Elf, with insight and stuff… You tell me…'

The High-king smiles at Nemis.

'I think I know…' He catches her hand and slowly bends towards her.

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Hey! You there! Yeah, you!

Click the button down here… You'll get a cookie really? no, of course not


	7. Attack of the Smut-writers

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**Chapter 7 Attack of the Smutwriters**

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**Part 36** (in which Autumn volunteers to put Elrond to bed)

**Autumn**

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Autumn watches Nemis and the King go outside for a little quiet time before turning back and watching Fëanor remove his trousers as a blush creeps across his entire body and Kelsey smiles happily.

"I cannot believe his greed for the Silmarils has driven him to such disgrace _hick_." She looks to her side to see Elrond swirling the wine in his glass.

"well, he does have a nice bu-...that's not important but you look a little worn there elfy." It was true, Elrond looked as though the wine was getting the better of him. "C'mon Elrond, we need you looking and acting spiffy in the morn so you can help Gil kick the crap out of orcs." With little resistance from Elrond, she drags him from his chair and leads him out the door as, judging from the screams coming from inside the tent, Fëanor lost another article of clothing.

While walking the Elven Lord back to his tent, the thought of taking advantage of him does cross Autumn's mind....Next on Jerry Springer: I'm having an elven Lord's love child!*whack!* she is knocked from her state by chibi duo and his scyth and she sighs, knowing full well she shouldn't and couldn't...could she?*whack!* nope, thought not.

So, Autumn gets Elrond into his tent, sheds his clothes:), gets him into some cute little jammies that have little golden rings on them and tucks him into bed.

Stepping out of the tent, the thought of whipping out her katana and finding the one who bears a creepy resemblance to Ilúvatar Nemis and slicing her to little dark Nemis pieces surfaces. Never being able to ignore her violent impulses, Autumn goes off but comes across a sight she was not meant to see. Gil-galad and the above mentioned Ilúvatar were about to do something never before written about and, seeing as Autumn wasn't about to attempt to, she crept by silently waving a little purple flag that said 'Go Nemis' on it and went to find dark Nemis.

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**Part 37** (in which Fëanor loses all…)

**Kelsey**

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"Take it off!"

"I don't want to!!"

"Those are the rules and you have to play by the rules."

"Fine! There are you happy?" Hesitantly and with very red cheeks (of his face people, try and stay focused) Fëanor sheds his remaining undergarments (I'll leave it to your imagination if he is a boxer or brief Elf.)  

"Now that I am thoroughly humiliated I would appreciate the return of my garments."  Kelsey is holding them some distance away and Eómer (who may or may not have still been in the tent) gazes on with morbid fascination.

"Sorry but rule #3,467 says you must stay ahem unclothed until the victor, in this case me, decides to return them." She freezes as the distant sound of tramping feet could be heard through the open flap of the tent. Fëanor, his Silmarils now forgotten, dives behind the table, shielding himself from any eyes.

"WHAT is that?!" he cries.

"I'd know that sound anywhere," Kelsey replies, her eyes losing their mirth and growing dark, "its a stampede.  Quick, put your clothes on see if that helps."

"A stampede of orcs?" Fëanor sobs hopping on one foot and pulling 

his trousers up.

"Of smut authors.  You have no idea what we have unleashed."

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**Part 38** (in which Katy saves Erestor, and Fëanor proves he'll always be a pain)

**Katy**

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Katy meanwhile is sitting in the UCMEC really big tent with an edition of 'Middle Earth Magic stuff for Valar Dummies' on her lap. Trying to figure out someway to send back a). Fozzie Bear and b). Dark Nemis to somewhere else from where they are... preferably the gap between dimensions or the everlasting empty void where Morgoth is (although on second thoughts putting Morgoth and Dark Nemis together, nevermind Sauron and Dark Nemis, might just be a little too much for the rest of the universe to handle) for one thing, she's sick of being chased by _that_ sorry excuse for a man. Another would be that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life as a slave in the regions near Nurn (South Mordor) with the knowledge that Dark Nemis is currently in possession of HER action figures.

Snapping her fingers, a notepad and pen appears (the dummies book can teach you that...at least in Middle Earth anyway ^_^) And Katy begins to brainstorm ideas for how to get rid of the unwelcome ones to Middle Earth. Mini Ereinion climbs outta the bag and begins chasing her pen while the Elrond begins to protest that he's hungry...

There is a soft noise at the door and Katy looks up to see Erestor there, bearing a silver tray. "My lady." He smiles.

"Lord Erestor." She replies, hoping he can't see her blushing. "What brings you here?"

"I brought you some...refreshments before you prepare to rest." He replied, "Berry wine...less potent than that at the meal tonight."

There are the sounds of cries coming from the camp. "What..." Katy starts but is cut off by Kelsey and Fëanor arriving in the tent.

"Stampede!" Kelsey gasps "Slash writers...coming this way! Quick!"

Erestor impulsively (hee hee hee) grabs Katy, who grabs a blanket (as it will be cold out there) and follows the EX High King of the Noldor and Kelsey out the tent. 

Their breaths come out white in the cold. "So now what happens?" Demands Katy.

The sounds of the slash writers becomes louder and the panic on both Elf's faces increases...the powers of the slash writers (if they find Feeny and Erestor I think you can guess what will happen). 

"Right! You take attitude problem here and I'll take this one." 

Katy nods at Kelsey's suggestion and seizing Fëanor's half buttoned up tunic drags him in the opposite direction from the way Kelsey and Erestor have headed.

"He's mine though!" Katy's voice drifts back to Kelsey, who grins 'whatever...'

Katy and Fëanor finally stop running through the veritable maze of tents. Fëanor begins to tie/button/buckle what he didn't have time to before and Katy fights to catch her breath.

"Was that REALLY necessary?" Fëanor demands, regaining dignity, bad temper and sharp tongue.

"Yes actually." Katy replies mildly "Unless you wanted to find yourself in a most uncompromising position with Erestor back there..."

"And how?" He replies.

"Never doubt the power of the imagination...especially the sort of imagination those people have." Katy indicates the direction the slash writers are and shudders at the thought of the Elrond/Uruk Hai fic Nemis once told her of. She wraps the blanket round her tighter. "Are you properly clothed again?" 

"And what would it matter to you?"

"Sorry for my concern, oh Highest of the Arrogant. I don't wish to freeze to death here, I'm just making sure I don't have to give _you_ my blanket." Katy snaps back, shivering.

"You should have worn warmer garments."

"I would have if I hadn't been preparing to SLEEP when you happened to burst in...at least I *KNOW* how to play strip polka properly."

"That would hardly surprise me."

"Are you calling me a slattern?" Katy demands, gripping Fëanor by the collar even though he's a good foot higher than she.

"I don't feel disposed to answer that." Fëanor replies.

"FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU HERE TO GET FOUND BY THEM AND IT'LL SERVE YOU RIGHT WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF IN BED WITH RING BOY!" And with that Katy stomps off in the other direction, leaving Fëanor all alone.

Kelsey meanwhile is trying to look for her small collection of Elven Soldiers with Erestor, meaning to add him to the collection. It is at this moment that she comes upon Harle and Haldir.

"What the hells going on?" Demands Harle. "Like the noise for a start?"

"That would be the stampede of slash writers..." Kelsey trails off, ogling Haldir. Harle notices this and waves her hand in front of Kelsey's enraptured eyes, hissing "Mine!" Under her breath.

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**Part 39** (in which the Samurai Manages to Get a Little Loving of Her Own – NOT!!) (or: The Power of Smut Writers)

**Harle **

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Harle glares at Kelsey, her mouth set in a firm pout. "Leave him alone, Kelsey," she mutters. "This Elf is MINE! When the time comes I'm gonna have my name tattooed on his derriere, and once I do that there's nothing more you can do about it. You've got your own collection, can't I have at least ONE?!"

Kelsey sighs, and shrugs. "Oh well, it was worth a try." She starts moving away from the two, Erestor in tow. "Oh yeah, and you might want to keep any two examples of the male species – whether Elf or Man – at a maximum distance apart."

Harle wiggles her eyebrows. "Why?"

Kelsey smiles wanly. "Never underestimate the powers of the slash writers, my dear. Especially where it concerns HIM and Celeborn." Here she casts a glance at Haldir, and after that, runs off in another direction.

Harle shivers, and sighs. "This is not good, not good at all." She looks up at Haldir, and says, "Hey, you're coming with me for the meantime."

Haldir raises an eyebrow again, and Harle nearly swoons at the sight. 'Why is it that he has to look so damn GOOD when he acts so high and mighty?!'

"And where are we going, Lady?" asks the Elven archer.

Harle shakes herself out of her stupor, and straightens up. "We're going to our Really Big Tent. I think we'd be reasonably safe there, particularly where certain slash writers are concerned. You and a girl being together won't call their attention."

"If I may ask, Lady, what is so troubling about these…slash writers?" Haldir asks as he follows behind her as they make their way to the UCMECians' Really Big Tent. "And what did Lady Kelsey mean with that statement about myself and Lord Celeborn?"

Harle groans as she pushes back the flap, and enters the tent, which is considerably warmer than outside. "Don't even ASK about that, PLEASE! For the sake of my sanity, but most especially for yours." She turns to Haldir, and says, "Sit down for a minute; I'm going to change out of these clothes, and after I do, we're going to look for Nemis. BLEEP, but this is a BLEEPING emergency! She HAS to know, and soon!"

Haldir's eyes widen when she mentions that she is going to change out of her clothes. "If that is the case, should I not wait outside…?"

Harle shakes her head firmly. "No. You're staying put right here, where I can watch over you. If those slash writers get to you, I wouldn't want to think of the consequences." She shudders at the thought as she steps behind a changing screen that was placed in the tent by some kind and gracious Elf for their benefit. Her senses pick up the sounds of giggling from just outside her tent, and she smirks. 'Sorry people, Haldir isn't with Celeborn or Legolas or any other male Elf you pair him up with! He's with MOI, a perfectly okay (though rather insane) example of the female species!'

Harle then slides off her wet cloak and overshirt, and hangs them on the edge of the changing screen. She does the same with her trousers, revealing the soft cotton shorts she always wears beneath them. She is now left wearing the breastplate-like thing, her undershirt, and the cotton shorts. 

She reaches behind, and attempts to undo the laces of the breastplate, but they're stuck. No matter how hard she tugs, the knots won't come undone.

"Ah BLEEP!" Harle growls as she tugs again. "The cold and the rainwater must've swollen the knots!"

At that precise moment, a pair of strong hands with slender fingers comes in contact with her own, and she feels her hands being pushed away from the back of her breastplate. "Allow me, Lady."

Harle stiffens the moment she hears that voice. 'Could it be…nah!' She laughs nervously as she feels Haldir deftly untie the knots, and the breastplate loosens its grip around her torso. "Heheh, thanks Haldir. Now could you leave and give me a little privacy so I can change?"

His hands fly from her back to her waist, and he turns her around sharply, releasing a loud squeal from her end. "Haldir!"

He smiled down at her wolfishly, his blue eyes molten. "I cannot believe I did not notice how beautiful you are until recently… What have I been thinking?" He leans forward to her, and kisses her square on the lips.

Harle feels her knees starting to give way beneath her, and she is tempted to give in, but then, a thought occurs to her. 'Wait a minute…I didn't want this to happen! Well, I did, but…not like this!' She breaks away from Haldir, and lifts up the edge of the tent. A thousand glimmering eyes greet her, with mouths slightly parted, some with drool hanging from them. Her eyes widen, and a vein starts throbbing in her forehead. And when THAT happens, anyone would do his best to stay clear from her.

"GET OUT OF MY BLEEPING SIGHT BEFORE I DECIDE TO KILL YOU ALL!!!" Harle screams, and her voice carries all over the battlefield and even to Orodruin. The smut writers who have gathered yelp and yip, and scramble away to the safety of their lairs.

"What has happened, Lady?!" Haldir's voice is severely alarmed, especially when he realizes that he's no longer sitting, and is instead standing behind the changing screen with a partially clothed Harle.

Harle shakes her head. "BLEEP! They're here!" With that she puts on a fresh pair of trousers, a dry breastplate, overshirt, and cloak. She pushes Haldir out the changing screen, and out the tent, grabbing a spare naginata on the way out. 'UCMEC HAS to know about this!'

"What is going on here, Lady?! And why was I standing behind the changing screen while you were…in a partial state of undress," at the mention of that, Haldir's pale cheeks flame to an interesting shade of red, "and what is this emergency you speak of?"

But Harle ignores him. She stomps over to Gil-galad's Really Big Tent, where she is sure the rest of UCMEC would be, and announces, "People, we have a problem."

Casey looks up from Glorfindel. "Why, what's up?"

Harle takes a deep breath, and says slowly, "The smut writers have attacked. And I think Dark Nemis is the one who is sending them here to our side."

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**Part 40** (in which Casey decides to go for it…)

**Casey**

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Casey, Joan, Glorfindel and Eómer look at her (being the only ones left in the ReallyBigTent) (since Autumn is looking for Dark Nemis, Kelsey is enlisting Erestor, Katy is wandering the camp, and Alena went after Nemis and good old Gil yes, Nemis, *old*, and Nemis, well, we all know where she is though no one dares to write about her now g)

Harle looks at Casey, who is very close to tiring Glorfindel out and getting the truth on the table, and (basically) isn't very worried about slash/smut writers.

'Where is Nemis, anyway?'

'Snogging Gil-galad, last I checked,' says Alena, re-entering the tent, after having followed the High-king and Nemis, until she decided to give them a little privacy (how much privacy can you have in an army camp as leader of the Elves g).

Casey smiles (already glad Nemis is putting her energy in something interesting, while *she* is doing something half the Tolkien community probably will never forgive her). She notices Haldir, and for the first time in her life doesn't have any interest whatsoever in an Elf. (sorry about that, too low in rank, Celeborn can have 'm, or Harle, in this case)

'What is he doing here?'

Harle begins to explain.

'Well, I was changing, when…'

well, there goes

Somehow, the entire smut-writers attack has gone by Gil and Nemis, who are drowning in each other's eyes (a deep grey and a pale blue), after sharing a very amorous kiss (who can blame Gil, if she doesn't succeed in saving his life, he's gonna be dead in the morning anyway).

Realising they can't just stand there the entire Last Alliance (well, they could, but not in my part of this fic), the High-king smiles.

'I suppose we need a plan, and your friends don't seem very… helpful.'

Nemis smiles forgivingly.

'You seem to forget this is a humour/parody fic.'

Gil raises and eyebrow.

'Still, you might better tell me what I need to know.'

Nemis nods, turning serious.

'At a certain moment, Evil-Fire-Bre… ok, well Gorthaur, comes forth, and he is supposed to wrestle with you and Ring-boy's father, and you both die. Actually, I think you die even before Ring-boy's fa…'

'Elendil…' Gil-galad interrupts, and he watches Nemis cower. 'No?'

'Could you please not say that?'

'It's his name…'

Nemis sighs.

'I know it is… But it's the only thing I ask of you. Please?'

Gil-galad nods, even though he doesn't really understand.

'So, I die, you spoke of this. And?'

'Well, somehow, Gorthaur gets thrown down, and because Ring-boy cuts the one Ring from his finger, he's defeated. Then we get Círdan and Elrond running him up Orodruin to throw in the Ring and Ring-boy refuses.' 

'So that's why you call Isi-…' He looks at Nemis, 'That's why you call him like that… But he can't refuse to cast it in, it's the reason we're here, for Elbereth's sake!'

Nemis nods, glad Gil-galad understands the gravity of the situation. g

'I know. Now do you understand why I don't like him? You die for nothing, and stuff.'

'Stuff…' Gil-galad smiles, catching Nemis' hand. 'Let us return and see if Fëanor has won his Silmarils yet.'

'Do not speak of the Silmarils.' Comes a growl from behind, and Nemis and Gil-galad turn to find Fëanor nearing.

'I've been promised those several times now, and the only thing that happens is me losing clothing and getting chased by those _smut_-writers.'

Nemis and Gil-galad look at each other. They speak at the same time. 

(aaw, look, they got a mental connection)

'Smut-writers?!'

Both leave Fëanor where he is, and take a sprint back to the ReallyBigtent.

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**Part 41** (in which it seems time to get a little bit mean)

**Alena**

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Alena feels a cold shiver ran down her spine. With a metallic clang, she pulls out her sword, for the n-th time of the night. Suddenly a screech goes up in the distance: "Elf-lords! Lots of them! Everyone gets one after we take the field!" A roar follows, then the thunder of stampeding feet. Rapidly the sound becomes closer. Louder. Inside the tent, things are suddenly very quiet.

"They're regrouping. Coming again." Joan's voice is low and grim, speaking the thoughts of all.

Katy's eyes narrow in determination. "Remember, we are the Valar! We are the UCMEC!" 

"C'mon! What are we waiting for?" Harle yelled, her weapon drawn.

Bellowing as one, the UCMECians bursts out of the tent. Unfortunately, Harle, who was in the vanguard, collides with Gil-galad at the door, who, along with Nemis, has just made the mad dash back, barely ahead of the oncoming tide. Both sprawl onto the ground. The first wave of the smut/slash writers, now only a few yards away, gives a shout of glee. Without missing a beat, Nemis spins around, facing the onslaught,  and lashes out with her Ilúvatar powers, sending two smut writers and a slasher flying. But it was only a leaf in the forest. 

Checked for only a moment, they again rush forward.

"THE UCMEC!!!" With a battle cry, Alena vaults over the heads of Harle and Gil-galad, somersaulting twice in mid-air, and lands with a wobble onto the head of a slash writer. With a downward swipe of the sword, she sends a Haldir-smutter onto the ground, and bounces off the head of the slasher with a kick, shrieking wildly. Harle scrambles to her feet, and tears into a knot of assailants, naginata flashing. The UCMECians charge forward behind her.

"Casey! Protect Glorfindel! And someone keep an eye on Erestor! My Lord Gil-galad--" Nemis goes into leadership mode, while holding back a spear-head battalion of attackers with her superpowers. Two Ringboy-slashers sneak up behind her, but at that exact moment, Katy skids out of nowhere, knocking the feet from beneath the pair. To her own detriment, she did not stop there, but keeps on sliding, right into Joan. Immediately, a platoon of smut-writers descend upon them. 

In an instant, with an ear-splitting "Yieeeee!", Alena spins into the air and lands in the middle of the melee, despatching the nearest enemy, all the while screeching at a nearly ultrasonic pitch.

Dark Nemis clearly hasn't told the slash/smut writers about the UCMECians, or at least severely under-represented their prowess. With another roar, they retreat, disappearing almost as quickly as they came. "We'll be back!" A smut-captain shouted, for a parting shot. 

Katy looks at Alena unbelievingly.  "So how come you're such a kung-fu chick all the sudden? The last time I looked, you were tripping all over your own feet!"

Alena smiled vaguely. "'Tis elementary, my dear Katy, haven't you been recently to a movie? Kung-fu chicks all Easterling females be!"

The UCMECians look at each other, and try to assess the damages, mental or otherwise, to their Elf-lords. Seeing that Gil-galad is alright, Nemis takes a step towards him, her eyes flooding with relief. 

"Oh, no...Where's Elrond?" a voice suddenly asks.

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**duh-duh-duh**

Where** is **Elrond? Wanna know? Press the little button over there…


	8. The Kidnapping… (omg! OMG!)

**Slight Warning: **If you love Legolas, slash, Tolkien, Peter Jackson's movie, original Mary-Sues, a crystal-clear plot, and have little humour, this fic is not for you… g Just don't say we didn't warn ya! Read on at your own risk… bwahaha

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**Chapter 8 The Kidnapping… (omg! OMG!)**

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**Part 42** (in which we use the fact that there are more desired subjects for slashing in our advantage)

**Autumn**

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Autumn takes down a few slashers and smut writers but she's can only take down so many. Thankfully, though, the rest of the UCMEC is beating them down too and eventually, the bad writers retreat, the very last of which are speeded up by Chibi duo whacking them with his scythe. She smirks at the UCMECians, feeling all proud of their ass kicking abilities until someone asks where Elrond is. Her eyes get wide and she runs in a panic to Elrond's tent.

Before she or any of the others can get there though, Elrond is carried off by the bad writers and a deafening cry is let up from the UCMECians and Gil-galad.

"What're we gonna do?" Even Nemis seems at a loss.

"Go and beat the Censored out of them!" Gil-galad says as he whips out Aeglos. Everyone is a little stunned by the King's words, everyone save Nemis who is to busy swooning over Gil-galad looking manly (hey, can you blame her?).

"That is a good idea..." Harle throws in. Autumn suddenly notices Haldir and an evil glint enters her eye. Harle clutches on to his arm and looks with fear upon Autumn.

"I have an idea...."

"So how is this supposed to work exactly?" Casey asks as they all stand outside the really big tent, the horde of slash/smut writers visible as they move towards Orodruin.

"Everyone knows that slash writers can't resist a few good Sindarin elves(not certain exactly what Haldir is, but go with it) so we just get some well known ones here and wait for them to come and then we "trade." Every one seems a little unsure of Autumn's idea but they all really want Elrond back, so they do go with it. "Oh, but one more thing, Gil-galad and all other elves aside from Haldir should probably be taken to the big tent and guarded. Many of the UCMECians look very depressed, Nemis most of all.

"Keep safe in the really big tent and for...my sake...stay away from the slash writers." Nemis contemplates about the smut writers but decides they probably wouldn't be writing about a couple she would like to see written about. 

Haldir looks extremely nervous now as most of the remaining members, those that didn't go to guard the elves, stare at him. It isn't long before two more elves pop out of thin air, one blond, one silver haired.

"What the?!?!" Celeborn asks as he stands up, in full battle gear just waiting to be swooned over. Indeed, Autumn almost collapses at the sight but regains her composure quickly when she sees Legolas. 

All the other members look at him like he's the dullest thing in the world too.

Like catching the sent of fresh meet on the wind, The slash/smut writers all turn to look in the opposite direction they were going and begin to run that way when they see silver and blond hair.

"Dear Ilúvatar! Not them, please!" Legolas screams as he hides behind Celeborn.

"I wouldn't get so close with them around, guys." Joan says. Everyone seems very frightened at the writers approaching but are thankful that with them, comes Elrond.

"NO!" Dark Nemis hollers angrily as she puts down a pair of binoculars. "Damn them! If my half-wit s/s writers can't get him for me, then I will get him myself!"

Far off from the mountain, Nemis shudders but does not know why...

The s/s writers, having double timed it, now stand facing the UCMECians, gnashing their teeth at them. "Give us the light hair colored ones! Now!" Celeborn, though completely thrown off by being transported so far from where he was fighting, grips his sword tightly and grinds his teeth as Legolas cowers behind him still and Haldir looks for a cue from his Lord.

"No! Give us back Elrond!" The UCMECians holler back. At that moment, Celeborn, Haldir and Legolas (not completely useless, incredibly enough) Whip out their bows and begin to fire like mad men on the s/s writers, causing them to drop the beloved elf Lord and retreat once more as Harle, completely crazed over their wanting to do bad things with Haldir goes after them a little ways.

"Yippee!" The UCMECians cried in unison as they all go to fetch Elrond. The Elves in the tent peer out timidly and Gil-galad, seeing that the coast is clear, runs to his vice-regent.

Gil-galad lifts up Elrond(Autumn firmly attached to him and dragging Celeborn along with her) and begins to walk to the tent(with Nemis firmly attached to him as well). The rest of the UCMECians claim their respective elves and walk back as well, all fully knowing that this was just one obstacle out of many.

Alena looks back at Legolas who is standing, looking a little dumbfounded. "Uhhh, guys, what do we do with him?" Everyone looks pensive for a moment until Nemis speaks.

"Just send him back to where he came from, he's served his purpose." 

With a snap of her finger, Legolas disappears and the UCMECians continue walking back to the really big tent.

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**Part 43** (in which Fëanor gets his revenge on the card, literally)

**Katy**

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The rest of the UCMECians and their respective elves all follow Gil-galad's lead to the original really big tent. They finally reach it and see that Fëanor, Maglor, and Eómer are all doing fine as are everyone else they hid there. Kelsey's playing cards are less than ok however, Fëanor decided that to preserve his dignity, he'd get the Silmarils by himself. The cards are in a small ripped pile of paper on the floor.

"You know, " Katy observes while snapping her fingers so she appears in cleaner clothes than her pyjamas (which YES I was wearing during the battle!) "She's never going to help you with that now..."

"I need no help from that section!" Hisses Fëanor furiously "I'll get my jewels myself."

"Er nooooooooooooo." Katy replies, "You won't get the one on the Vingilot for sure. I'll lent you a wetsuit for the one in the sea though."

Meanwhile, the rest of the UCMEC are guarding their Elves and Elrond. Gil-galad is guarding Elrond and Nemis who is guarding them both though they don't know it. " We need a plan." Announces Nemis, "Because Dark Nemis is up in that tower scheming at this very moment to get Elf boy and him." She motions to Gil-galad, who's on the sofa beside her.

"So...any ideas." Replies Joan.

"All sleep here tonight and mount watches."

"Surround the tent with Clones of Legolas so the Slash Writers and the Smut writers will just carry them off instead of our ones."

"Swap camps with Ping-Ring Boy and they'll carry off him."

"Too sleepy to think..."

The responses are called out. Haldir, it had to be noted did not look particularly comfortable with the clones of Legolas idea. Nobody looked particularly comfortable with the swap camps with Ping-Ring boy. 

They all sit in silence for no-one knows how long. Eventually, Maglor rouses himself and finds Katy using his feet to a pillow. The rest of the UCMEC are distracted, with Alena cleaning slash writer blood from her sword, Nemis and Gil-galad trying to discreetly ogle each other, Autumn staring at Elrond and Joan wearing a pair of thick gloves and mending a rip in the underwear of Melkor. Kelsey is gazing lustfully at every male elf in the room while Casey tries to forge Glorfindel's signature (which unfortunately is very curly and intricate...so much for that cunning plan).

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**Part 44 **(in which the Samurai Realizes She Isn't Completely Infallible...And Gets the Loving She Deserves - Almost)

**Harle**

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Kelsey is gazing lustfully at every male Elf while Casey is trying to forge Glorfindel's signature (which unfortunately is very curly and intricate...so much for that cunning plan).

Harle glares at Kelsey, and she gets the message that she can ogle any Elf BUT Haldir. Speaking of Haldir, the poor Elf is in a terrible state of shock after the suggestion of the Legolas-clone-idea. Pitying him, Harle grins slightly, and nudges him gently in the side. "Don't you worry, I'm going to try and make sure that they don't push through with that plan."

Haldir looks at her, and for the first time since they met, his smile isn't one of sarcasm or annoyance. "Why would you do such a thing, Lady?"

Harle shrugged. "Do I have to give you a reason for that? I think you can figure that out just fine on your own." She lifts her wrist, and gives it a long, slow twist. And then...

"OW!!"

Almost everyone in the tent looks up at her. "Harle? What's the matter?" Alena asks.

"N-nah, it's nothing," Harle stammers as she grits her teeth and cradles her wrist against her chest. 'BLEEP, my wrist... When did I get it hurt THIS bad?!' She pushed her memory back a little, and remembered that, while driving back the s/s writers in their attempt to get back Elrond, one of the Haldir-slashers brought down a metal pipe on her right wrist - the one she used for wielding her naginata. But during that time, it didn't really matter; she was too mad to care.

Harle glances at her wrist, and realizes that it's a sick-looking purple-black color. She winces again as she shifts it slightly, moving it as though she were wielding her naginata in one of the more basic moves taught to her in kendo class. "Ouch."

"Is something the matter, Lady?" Haldir asks as he glances at her.

"No, it's nothing," Harle says quickly as she attempts to hide her injured wrist, but Haldir sees it (no thanks to his sharp Elvish senses).

He grins. "You are hiding something Lady." He leans forward, and whispers in her ear, "Come with me, we shall see to your wrist now, before it becomes worse." He takes her uninjured hand, and leads her to another, more private section of the Really Big Tent (how big is it anyway?).

Harle cannot keep the blushes from appearing on her face. "What are you planning to do, exactly?" she asks as she is seated on a cloth-covered crate, while Haldir rummages around in some other chests, and returns with a roll of cloth bandages. She furtively looks around, checking to see if there are any smut writers around. Finding none, she relaxes, and realizes that maybe Haldir is doing this of his own free will.

Haldir doesn't reply. Instead, he kneels down in front of Harle so that they are at eye level with each other, and starts to wrap the bandage around her bruised wrist.

Harle stares at him while he proceeds to do so, completely at a loss for words. She finds it completely impossible for cold, silent, haughty Haldir to finally be warming up to her, the crazy, wacky, too noisy Samurai/fic writer. 'Unless, of course, my deepest dreams and wishes are finally coming true, just as they did with Nemis...'

"There. I have finished."

Harle shakes herself out of her thoughts, and realizes that the bandages Haldir has procured are now bound tightly around her hand and wrist. She twists it again, and there is nothing left but a dull, tolerable pain. She

grins broadly as she looks at Haldir. "Thanks a lot, Haldir. I owe you one now."

The Elf chuckles softly as he sits down beside her, and Harle nearly melts into a puddle of goo at his feet. After all, it's a very rare thing to hear Haldir's laughter, whether chuckling or out loud, and Harle felt that she could die contented, now that she had heard it.

"You may be a fierce warrior on the battlefield, Lady Harle," Haldir whispers as he pushes back a strand of Harle's long black hair to reveal more of her blushing face, "but you are certainly a much different person when you are alone...or perhaps, when you are with me."

Harle laughs nervously again. "Hehe, well, that's me. People have accused me of having multiple-personality disorder, but hey, that's who I am. And please, just use Harle. No more of the 'Lady' bit."

"As you wish...Harle." Haldir pauses, then his voice dips in tonality as he says, "I may have not been in complete control of myself during that...incident," he begins, referring to the episode with the smut writers, "but I can still remember certain details. Such as the soft feel of your lips, and the sweet taste of your mouth..."

Harle's eyes widen to the size of teacups as she looks up at Haldir. "What?" 

The fire is back in his eyes again, but it is a little more subdued, not glaringly bright like during the trouble with the smut writers. She feels a hand slide around her waist, another in her hair, and the eyes get closer and closer... She closes her eyes, feeling a puff of warm, moist air against her mouth...

"HARLE! HALDIR! Where ARE you two?! Harle, get out here RIGHT NOW!! We've got trouble coming!!!"

Haldir snaps away automatically, and Harle sighs irritably. 'Oh jeez, PERFECT timing!' She jumps up from where she has been sitting, and notices the rather disappointed look on Haldir's face. She smiles, and leans down to kiss him lightly on the cheek. "Hope you won't shoot me down for doing that." With a teasing smile, she turns away from him, and heads to where the others are to investigate this new problem.

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**Part 45 **(in which we see Joan showing Eómer how to handle a grenade-launcher, and a Nazgûl)

**Joan**

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"What did you say that thing was again?" Eómer asks, admiring a sleek piece of machinery. Joan smirks.

"Grenade launcher."

"Most ingenious."

"Sure enough. Want to learn how to use it?"

The horse-lord frowns and peeks into the barrel. "Sounds interesting..."

"Wellllllll," Joan purrs, tossing aside the Green Underwear of Doom. The UCMECians exchange knowing smiles. "Knowledge comes with a price, ya know..."

She begins advancing in a manner hard to mistake for anything but pure rudeness while Eómer, poor sweetie that he is, blushes and scrambles for cover. Gil-Galad frowns at Nemis.

"I thought he was not an Elf..."

"He isn't," The Ilúvatar-powered one notes while testing how much chocolate her powers allow her to create out of thin air. "Then again, she isn't mentally stable."

"I bloody heard that too!" Comes an angry yell from outside, where Eómer has just discovered Joan can indeed undress him with a thought. Then the yell is followed by a shriek.

The writers and Elf-lords jump to their feet, weapons are drawn at once, Autumn screams for Harle and Haldir, who have disappeared under not-so-mysterious circumstances. But before anyone can move, Joan re-enters the ReallyBigTent, wide-eyed and whimpering, followed by a towering Ringwraith pointing a nasty sword at her back.

"A Nazgûl!" Katy shouts.

"D-d-d'oh..." Joan answers.

Seeing his writer in distress, Fëanor doesn't hesitate one moment in rushing forward, mighty sword drawn, and almost swings at the Ringwraith when quite suddenly (making him stop abruptly and trip over), the black cloak of the Nazgûl is tossed back, revealing two Frodo-clones one standing on the other's shoulders. From the dazed look in their eyes the UCMECians can at once see that they have been brainwashed by too many horrible Mary Sue stories and turned into zombies in service of...

"Dark Nemis..." Casey gasps. "She... she recruited the Mary Sues...?"

"CENSORED!!" everyone present cries out at once.

The top Frodo, unfazed, opens his mouth and with a dumb expression begins reciting in his best BtVS-Musical-Henchman-voice:

"I-come-bearing-a-message-from-her-Darkness-Dark-Nemis-ruler-by-right-of-all-the\-lands-of-Middle-Earth.

We-have-one-of-your-number-captive-in-our-base-of-operations. 

If-you-wish-to-ever-see-L'il-Ereinion-again-surrender-the-Elven-High-King-to-me-\at-once.

Otherwise-suffer-the-consequences. Have-a-nice-day."

Then pushing the petrified Joan into the tent, the two Frodos quickly retreat before any writer or Elf has a chance to move.

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**part 46 **(in which we plan to get up the mountain, where Dark Nemis is settling in)

**Nemis**

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Gil-galad, chewing some of the chocolate Nemis has been offering him (time for a spin-off) looks at the others. The chocolate seems to have affected his watchfulness somewhat.

'What is a L'il Ereinion?'

Nemis gives Joan an angry look. Joan slowly nods.

'He's you, but smaller. Remember you didn't want to be sent to the sea by your father?' (who I, Nemis, still assume to be Fingon, by the way, despite some people really screwing with my mind) 

Gil-galad nods and smiles, tucking a braid behind his ear, making Nemis and Joan swoon at the same time.

'Aaaw…'

Casey is holding her forged signature to the light, seemingly very pleased with her work. She looks from Joan to Nemis to Gil-galad.

'You're not even thinking of exchanging Gil for Ereinion, are you?'

Nemis recovers quickly.

'Of course we are not.' She looks at Gil-galad. 'No more miss Nice-girl.' She offers her hand and Gil-galad is quickly on his feet to meet it.

'Well, yes, but shouldn't we get the little version of me first?'

Most UCMEC-ians give him and Nemis a stare, except Casey who gives them a thumbs-up. Nemis smiles.

'I mean, I'm going to find Dark Nemis and end this once and for all.' She frowns at Gil-galad. 'I should really stop feeding you chocolate.' Then she looks around. 'I am taking Ereinion…' She exchanges a quick glance with the High-king again. 'So Dark Nemis will think I am there to exchange him for L'il Ereinion. Which I am not really doing, naturally. I can not force any of you to come with me…'

'Like, we're having a better time in this tent?' Alena grins, patting her weapon.

_Up there, somewhere, in the Barad-Dûr…_

'What's the idea of sending those Halflings to do a wraith's job anyway?' Sauron asks, his feet on the table now too, as Dark Nemis is smoothing her nails.

'Those wraiths of yours aren't really top notch, are they, Gorthaur-baby?' She responds, giving him a mocking look.

'We are reminded of them being 'the most powerful servants of Sauron' (yes, she mimics that along with her fingers, and you can too) all the time, but they can't even get their hands on one scruffy Hobbit. That, and Elrond seems a hellovalot more powerful with doing his river-thingy than they, right?'

Sauron looks at her.

'I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.'

Dark Nemis sighs deeply and makes a volume of Fellowship of the Rings appear out of thin air.

'Read this, smart-ass.' She chucks it into the dark lord's direction. 'Sheesh. You are soo gonna get it when Melkor returns and finds you slacking around. Can't even kill a bunch of nancing Elves, by Bloody Mandos!'

Sauron seems suddenly very worried about Melkor and start flipping through the book.

'Do I really have to read all that?'

'If you weren't on my side, I'd make ya, but, since I'm supposed to be helping, better start with chapter 11, you'll see what I mean about those wraiths too.'

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**part 47 **(in which Fëanor keeps nagging about Silmarils, and we see more of Kelsey's vivid imagination)

**Kelsey**

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As the UCMECians suited up for battle (They decided on the comfort and versatility of flannel pajamas with UCMEC printed on them) Fëanor pulled Kelsey aside.

"Perhaps I was rash in destroying your cards, although my heart forebodes that you did not compete with the fairness of a Valar..." Fëanor started.  

Kelsey just shrugged she was enraptured by his perfect hands not really focusing on what he was saying, they must be very skilled she supposed, for umm making things! right like Silmarils!  She quickly changed her thoughts realizing the members of fanfiction.net would soon be reading them.

"But the past is...the past, and I think we could be friends...if you would help me find my precious."  The lat half of the sentence he cried shaking her by the lapels of her stylish pjs.

"Well I think SCUBA gear could help with the one..."

"Where would I find it? Does Sauron have it? does he?"  He's so cute when he's worked up she mused, except for that little facial tic.  Fëanor was aghast, he was panic stricken he could feel the little muscle high on his cheekbone jumping as he clenched his jaw in frustration and she was gazing into his eyes moonily probably didn't hear a word he had said.  Nothing another good shaking wouldn't resolve.

"GAH! WHat WHAT?!" Kelsey snapped out of her reverie by Fëanor's increasingly irrational behavior and he stopped shaking her.  "I don't know if Sauron has SCUBA gear I never took him for a lover of water sports but I suppose he might..." She landed with a dull thud on the ground, as Fëanor who had been holding her 5'7 frame on eye level with him let her drop.  He turned to the remaining Valar and Nemis Eru.

"I must come with you to help save the upstart, errr the High King." he proclaimed, proving he had very little talent for lying.

"What do we do about stray slash writers since my hand is incapacitated?" 

Harle asked shooting seductive glances at a blushing Haldir. "It seems we need to figure that out." she added turning towards Erestor who was stroking Eómer's chest, and Eómer himself was purring.

"Well I think I can handle one or two at a time..." Kelsey replied reaching down into a thorny, leafless bush and pulling out a slavering smut author. She leaned over and began whispering in his ear, immediately he started grinning and rubbing his hands in what can only be described as an evil fashion. Soon his head began to spin wildly and with a sickening *pop* it exploded. Daintily Kelsey heaved what was left of him back into the bush. 

Eómer quickly slapped Erestor's hand away and Erestor started to wash it in a basin.

"What did you do to him?" Ereinion asked astounded.

"Oh come on, I'm working on building a harem, I got Fëanor to play strip poker for Eru's sake! If you don't think I can match this amateur vivid image for vivid image you are mistaken. Now if I can find where I put my Marquis de Sade and Lady Chatterly's Lover we can be on our way!"

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**Part 48 **(in which Alena finds out how drunk Elrond really is…)

**Alena**

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Alena sighed. Harle and Haldir seem to have fallen under each other's spell, Kelsey's got Fëanor twisted around her little finger, and Gil-galad, of course, was fated to belong to Nemis from the get-go.

Everyone's gotten her Elf, except her, it seems. Of course, there is still Elrond, but he appears to be in a permanently drunken/dazed/disgusted state to be of much fun. Plus, despite everything, she hasn't completely forgotten what the C in UCMEC (the second one, I mean) stands for.

As she wiped her blade again absent-mindedly, Maglor sidled up to her.

"You were magnificent in the battle," he whispered, his voice every inch that of Arda's most renowned singer.

"Don't even think about it, Maggy," she snapped. "Don't forget that your mommy and I go way back."

Maglor backed off, dejected, and Alena shook her head slightly.  Oh well. There's always battle and ass-kicking to keep her spirit up, at least. But if Dark Nemis has got an army of s/s writers, Mary Sues, and clones now, perhaps it is time to be a bit better prepared. Her trusty rusty sword is all very well, yet it can go only so far, after all.

"Hey guys!" she called out, "I think it's time to pull out some better weaponery..."

"What do you want?" Joan asked, shouldering her grenade launcher. She snapped her fingers, stuck her head into the space-time portal that opened up before her, and began to rummage. "Let's see what we've got here... Lightsabre, dental instruments, bullwhip...Hmmm, I think the stealth bomber wouldn't fit in here...Neither would the aircraft carrier...I've also got some phasers and Excalibur."

"I'll take the bullwhip, I guess." Alena switched the sword to her left hand and caught the whip that Joan tossed to her by the handle. 

She went over to Elrond, who was staring one-eyed into a wine bottle, trying to see if there's anything left in it. 

"Hey Rondo! Quit with the booze! It's time to go!"

Elrond looked up, straight into her face. Strangely, all signs of drunkenness are now gone from his eyes. "Let me tell you a little secret," he smiled. "an Elf-lord never gets or remains drunk, unless he wants to."

Alena's eyes widened. "You mean...Do you mean that..."

"Would your, um, associates leave me alone, if it is otherwise?"

An answering smile rose to Alena's face.  Elrond winked at her. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, despite the second C in UCMEC, she can still 'borrow' him for a little while.

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**part 49 **(in which Katy shows of her ability to sleep everywhere)

**Katy**

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While everyone is picking weapons for themselves. Katy (after Maglor b*gg*r*d off to go talk to Alena) is lying still fast asleep and prostrate on the floor of the Really Big Tent, getting trodden on and tripped over by mostly everyone else (apart from Nemis and Gil-galad who -weapons in hand- are still swooning and gazing at each other as if nothing else in the world matters). Haldir and Harle have both chosen weapons and have tried to retire to a discreet corner of the tent but were dragged back by Joan and Fëanor.

It is Glorfindel who finally notices that Katy's current status is literally the carpet and manoeuvres her onto a couch and safely out the way. "Could someone wake the Lady." He calls over the soft sounds of the room. The rest look up with blank faces, unwilling to leave their current distractions and so Erestor (being the only unoccupied one) if left the job.

Leaning over, he shakes her gently on the shoulder "My Lady. It is time to wake."

" Whazza...trnt gets slup." Is the only response he gets as Katy moves away from the hand on her shoulder.

He laughed softly "You must wake now. The battle is to come now."

"Nos not. Battle tmorrw. Wanna sleep now or no energy for fight. Go 'way."

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What** will **happen next? (does it appear we know? ;)))

Hit da button anyway!


	9. Arrivals and R&R before the Battle

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**Chapter 9 Arrivals and R&R before the Battle (no! not Read and Review!)**

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**Part 50** (in which the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society checks up on the 

Last Alliance)

Jen 

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A squeal interrupts the temporary quiet on the far side of the Last Alliance's camp, and is soon followed by an impressive splash and a couple of rather choice words. A moment later, a lean form lifts itself from the mud.  

The plastered features of the creature twist in disgust. "Ew..."  The creature snaps it's fingers, and due to the graces of authoress magic, becomes quite clean.

Near the edge of the camp, there now stands yet another UCMEC member. This one is clad in a set of black breeches, short black paddock boots and a conservative but close-fitting burgundy tank top. She has a pair of black half-chaps slung over one shoulder, and a bridle looped over the other. Her brown hair is swept back in a braid at the nape of her neck.

With an unholy grin on her face, the woman surveys the landscape and chuckles. "This is going to be fun." She pauses for a minute to pull her half-chaps on, then straightens and heads for the first elf in sight.

"Hi!" she says brightly. "I'm Jen ChaCha, and I'm here on behalf of the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society, or MEEPS!  I'd just like to check up on the horses you've brought to this war, make sure they're in good condition.  Procedure, you know." She shifts her weight seductively onto one leg and bats her dark lashes at the elf.

"Erm...sure..." he answers her. Jen ChaCha's presence has apparently robbed him of any Elven eloquence.  She smiles and resists the urge to cackle again. 

The Multi-Language Translator she stole from Mary Sue is working perfectly.

Politely, the elf leads Jen towards a small group of horses.  "These are the horses my family brought," he says dully.

"I'll just be a moment." Jen walks to the horses, looks them over briefly, then returns to the elf, a piece of paper in hand. "Thank you. Now, if you could just sign this to verify that the horses have been checked..."

The elf obediently places his signature on the form. Jen folds it up and tucks it into some pocket that doesn't actually exist. She tries to hold back a triumphant smile, but fails. "Thank you. Back to work!" she states enthusiastically, with a grateful nod at the bewildered elf. She sucks in a deep breath, then whistles a single, shrill tone. The elf winces and returns to whatever he was doing before Jen ChaCha interrupted him on behalf of MEEPS.

Five minutes later, an exasperated Jen ChaCha is still waiting, tapping her foot against a tiny patch of dry ground.  A dark bay horse finally ambles into view, stopping every few feet to sniff something and not looking particularly enthusiastic. Jen whistles again, but the horse only glances at her. With an exasperated sigh, Jen snaps her fingers, and a big red apple appears in her hand.

"Let's go, Coup!" she calls to the horse. He glances at her again, and immediately perks up. An apple is worth trotting for!

Once Coup has done a thorough job of slobbering apple all over Jen, she slips his bridle on. "Time to track down more elves," she whispers conspiratorially in the horse's ear. He flicks it back as if to say, "Think they'll have apples?"

Jen gathers her horse's reins and swings herself up. She promptly lands on her posterior in the mud.  "Dang it!  I knew I forgot to add the authoress magic to something." Again, she snaps her fingers, and again, she goes to mount. With the authoress magic working properly this time, she manages to swing astride her 16.2 hand horse without any difficulty. Jen grins triumphantly and signals Coup to trot out.

Thanks to the joys of fanfiction, Jen ChaCha has a wonderful bareback ride on her horse through a camp full of elves. Normally, Coup performs with a policy of, "No fencee, no stopee," but in Middle-earth, he's a perfect gentleman. Some elves stop to stare at Jen and Coup as they pass, having never seen a Thoroughbred or a woman in twenty-percent spandex breeches.

After only twenty minutes, Jen manages to gather quite a few Elven signatures on quite a few white papers.  Miraculously, all of these forms are tucked safely away somewhere within easy reach, despite the fact that Jen has no pockets and carries no luggage. Along the way, Jen picks up three little lost Legolas clones. Two are mounted on Arod clones, but one has somehow found his way onto a ridiculously perfect rendition of Shadowfax.  Jen stands out starkly against all the other riders in the area though, being on a bay horse--a rarity in Middle-earth it would seem.

Soon, the group nears the Really Big Tent housing the UCMECians and their favorite Middle-earthers. Jen slides off of her horse and hands the reins to one of the obedient Arod-borne Legolas clones. Grinning, and with yet another paper clutched in her hands, she heads towards the shelter. She must find Glorfindel. She has no intentions of stealing the elf from anyone else, but there's a little matter she'd like to settle with him herself.

Unfortunately for Jen, a regiment of slash authors suddenly pops up with Thranduil in tow, intent on pairing him up with the first other royal elf they can find.

"NOOOOO!!!" Jen screams before tucking the paper away and diving for the elf. 

She catches him by the wrist to drag him out of their clutches. The slash authors claw at her, wanting their elf back, but she clings to Thranduil like a two-year-old babe to its mother.

"He's mine, you heathens!" Jen protests, clawing back. Considering the length of her nails, the damage she does is pretty impressive.

Moments later, the Legolas clones arrive, creating a protective shield around their fangirl.  Just as one of the clones is about to fall into the slash writers' clutches to be dragged off as a replacement for Thranduil (if you can't have the father, you might as well take the son), the Shadowfax double whips out an impressive demonstration of why the cavalry is such a deadly invention. More than a few slash writers are left witless in the mud after a close encounter with the great horse's hooves.

"I believe it time we were gone!" Thranduil growls, wrapping on arm around Jen's waist and throwing her roughly onto Coup's back before vaulting up behind her.

When the entire entourage, including Thranduil, is safe on horseback, they plow through the unwanted writers towards the UCMECians.  On the way, Jen whips about a white paper and hands it to Thranduil.  

"Sign this, please," she tells him, taking the reins of her horse back, "and get your own mount. Don't you know it's not good for a horse's back to ride double?"

Thranduil glares at her back but relinquishes control of Coup. Suddenly, yet another grey elf-horse appears out of nowhere, and Thranduil slides easily onto its back. Just how he does this when both Coup and the elf horse are cantering, Jen can't really figure out. She stops trying as she sees Thranduil disdainfully stuff her white paper into a pouch at his belt…  

Disappointed, she mutters a half-hearted curse and levels an evil glare at the elven lord.

"I am King Thranduil," he says tersely, his eyes directed straight ahead.  

"What is a woman of your," he eyes her with something approaching disgust, "upbringing doing here?"  Apparently, he's taken the fact that Jen is wearing pants to mean that she is also rather loose.  Considering that she is extremely proper in her real world, Jen is understandably offended.  She shrugs it off.  Gaining Thranduil's respect will just make things that much more entertaining.

"Jen ChaCha, with the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society, better known as MEEPS!" she informs the king of Mirkwood. "I'm headed that way." She points at the Really Big Tent, now barred from them by a new group of slash authors. "Want to come along? You get to squish evil things."

Thranduil looks at her strangely for a moment, then shakes his head and smiles. Apparently, the prospect of squishing evil things appeals to him.  

Together, he and Jen shorten their reins and shift their seats forward and off their horses' backs.  With an evil glint in her eyes, the UCMECian cries, "Charge!" Her clones and Thranduil at her side, Jen proceeds to ride down the evil forces.

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**Part 51** (in which Autumn tries to find her own Elf-lord and UCMEC tries to come up with a plan (still))

Autumn 

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Autumn admires her new katana gratefully given to her by Joan as everyone else decides what it is they want to use for a weapon. 

Celeborn, holding his bow tightly, looks around at the group: A samurai bent upon kicking ass with a katana, a woman with a grenade launcher upon her shoulder, a very drunken future son in law, a King intoxicated by the love of  Ilúvatar...apparently, herself, the captain of his guard doing much the same with another female, a tiny human with bat wings and a little scythe flying around and...and another female latched on to his arm that was not holding the bow.

"Pardon me, but who are you?" 

Autumn looks up, very doe eyed at the elf Lord.

"Well, my plan to save Elrond had two purposes. One, to get him back because there's just no point in living without Elrond (what the Mandos would I do without him to write fics about?) plus, I get to have you as MY elf to ogle seeing as everyone else has one." She looks around at Haldir, Erestor, Glorfindel, Gil-galad, Maglor...the list goes on...

"Ah, but you see, I was fighting when-." Autumn rolls her eyes.

"Ya, ya, ya, I know, save middle-earth blah blah blah. Don't you see? You can help protect your king here to, so really, me reasons were three fold." 

Celeborn looks alarmed as Autumn reaches up and runs a hand along his bi-cep. "Plus, you're really...really muscled." Autumn just kinda trails off as she sighs.

"I am wed to the lady of the Golden wood, we have a child together." 

Autumn pouts.

"I know and it's not fair, the only other really good looking, manly....muscled," she drifts off for a moment but then quickly snaps back, "elves that aren't married are already taken so I've decided that for the remainder of this journey/war, you and the drunken elfy are mine to ogle at my leisure so long as I keep your arses from being scathed. So I am officially bound to you until this is all over and no one shall keep me from they service!" Everyone in the really big tent stares at her like she's nuts. "Ahem, but that's not the point, except that it is and their mine!" Autumn is laid back on track by a bonk to her head from chibi duo's scythe. "But it's not the point. We need to get our elves in a row and go and kick the crap out of Dark Nemis because she's got wee Ereinion." 

Nemis' ears perk up at the mention of the name and her leader-ly authority takes over. 

"Alright fellow UCMECians, we need...a plan..." Everyone's a little dumb struck as to how they're going to defeat the one who's power matches their leaders. Gil-galad perks up as an idea hits him.

"Why do we not march to Orodruin disguised as some of those...those clones and hit her with the element of surprise?" The UCMECians look a little nervous about that plan as they know that wherever Dark Nemis is, so then is evil fire breath guy. They do not know that....

...Meanwhile, going forth from the mountain, Dark Nemis is coming for Elrond and possible even a few other elves.....

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**Part 52 **(in which we almost get a crossover and the additional member joining)

Neon Star 

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Seemingly to mess things up a little more, a bright ball of fire appeared a little way from camp, and was extinguished in the muck. 

"Okay, this isn't good!" the figure who appeared out of the flame exclaimed as she pulled herself out of the mud.

She frowned as she shook the muck from her lightsaber and tried to ignite it, only to find that mud and electronics do not mix.

"Well, if LOX isn't here, I won't need it..." she says, snapping her fingers and dropping the lightsaber into some pocket of space outside the realm.

Looking around, she finally understands where she is, (Since she is a bit of a blond).

"Yes! Right out of battle, right into ME! And especially right into the Alliance! Now.... If Elrond is around... then just guess who else will be around...." she trails off with a wicked grin.

Snapping her fingers a second time, she replaced her gray, mud covered robs with a pair of jeans and a tight T-shirt, decorated with a star to emphasize her name.

"Elf hunting is going to be interesting..." she says and starts off to camp.

"Not another one," a groaned an Elf guard. (Are there any left or were there anymore left after all this? ;))

"Oh, guess the others got here. Well, Neon Star is about to join the party," she said, blows a little kiss to the guard, (Can't stand those elves, can she? ;)) and walks calmly in to camp.

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**Part 53** (in which we are shown the power of the fanfic author once again)

Kalurien 

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They continued eating, shoveling food into their mouths like there was no tomorrow. This absorbed their attention to the degree that they did not hear the knocking at the flap of the ReallyBigTent, which is not surprising because on a tent knocking sounds like swish . . .swish . . .swish.  
Suddenly, someone outside said "#$&*#." They did hear that. Before anyone could move, the tent flap opened and a new comer stood on the threshold.  
"Who are you?" Several UCMEC members asked, simultaneously. "You have to be a UCMEC member to be in this story."  
"My name is Kalurien and I am a member," the newbie returned. "You needn't fear, I got my e-mail confirmation and everything. I even read the first part of this story."  
Kalurien looked around. "I hear you are selling Elf Lords on this list," she said. She pointed at Glorfindel. "I'll take that one. He comes with a horse, right?"   
She pulled out her deck of LOTR trading cards. "I'll give you a 'nine walkers' and two 'pathfinders' for him, whad-da-ya say?"  
Nemis looked at her with suspicion. "Wait just a minute," she said. "You can't join UCMEC just to waltz in here and take our Elf Lords. We need them for the battle. Besides," she continued, her eyes narrowing. "Don't I know you from another list? You look very familiar."  
"Indeed, no," Kalurien said quickly. "I think women who drool over sentient computer programs are a little pervy, myself. Nothing like some good old-fashioned elf-lust." She cleared her throat. "Now, then, back to business."  
"You can't have him, he's mine," said Katy. "He's not yours, he's mine,"said Casey. They looked at each other.  
"Well," said Kalurien, "since you don't seem to mind passing him around, I don't see why I can't borrow him for the evening." She blinked her blue eyes pleadingly. "Pretty please?"  
"I guess it's OK," said Nemis, grudgingly. "But I want him back, whole and unspoiled."  
Kalurien looked at her, wide-eyed, a picture of innocence. "Would I ever do anything bad to a character you liked?" She asked, trying hard to avoid Gil-galad's eye.  
Nemis snorted. Kalurien quickly clipped a leash onto Glorfindel's collar. "Heel," she said.  
Glorfindel looked bewildered.  
"Come on, we're going for a walk," Kalurien said. Glorfindel looked around at the other Elf Lords, who suddenly had renewed appetites. Kalurien pulled him out of the ReallyBigTent.   
On their way down the road, they tripped over an unconscious slash writer, half hidden in the rubble.  
The slash writer stirred into full wakefulness, spied Glorfindel and with a cry of great delight, sat on him, writing furiously.  
"Not again," whimpered Glorfindel, pitifully. "Why is it always me?"  
Kalurien turned back to look at them and sighed. She tried pulling the leash. Glorfindel made small choking noises. She walked back to them and looked over the shoulder of the slash writer.  
"Oh, please," she snorted. "How cliched can you get?"  
"How bad is it?" Sniffled Glorfindel.  
Kalurien shook her head. "You don't want to know, trust me," she said.  
The slash writer began to chuckle with glee, all the time, drooling lustfully into her laptop.  
Glorfindel was starting to get desperate. "Help me," he whimpered, his big blue eyes pleading.  
Kalurien looked at him. "Well, you are very pretty," she said.  
"I'm an elf," he said. "I am supposed to be beautiful."  
"There are plenty of male elves around here that manage to be drop dead gorgeous in a more masculine kind of way," she pointed out.  
"Please," whispered Glorfindel, "I'll do anything."  
Kalurien picked up some mud and wiped it on his face. Another handful went into his hair.  
"Ooh," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Sorry, I guess that's not mud, after all."  
The slash writer started to choke. She looked at Glorfindel. "Eyewww," she said, getting off of him.  
Kalurien pulled Glorfindel to his feet and they started running. She quickly wrote her own tent into the story and they ducked inside. They paused, panting heavily, but there was no sign of pursuit.  
Kalurien looked at the dung-covered elf with an expression of distaste. She quickly rewrote the end of the scene, substituting Elrond.  
I like being a writer, she thought as she looked into the Elf Lord's deep, grey eyes.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 54** (in which Autumn temporarily takes the title of Romancy Valar)

Autumn 

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Autumn whips out her keyboard and writes Elrond back into the presence of the rest of the UCMEC. 

"Oh, no you don't." She whispers. Kalurien is sad to see her dung covered elf back in her tent but squeals gleefully when she sees a large wooden basin(big enough for two if the occasion calls for it) filled with soapy water appears. She looks back to see Glorfindel completely naked and holding his hand in front of the more interesting aspects of his self.

"Alright, elfie, into the tub, lets scrub you off." Kalurien says to Glorfindel with an evil glint in her eye a she picks up a wash cloth.

The rest of the UCMEC sigh in relief as they see Elrond pop back into the tent.

Nemis thinks about what exactly Autumn has done and gets a bad little idea as she turns to Gil-galad. "I know we kinda usurped your tent but...do you have another little one around here?" Gil raises a brow wondering if what just popped into his mind was in hers.

"I do, my Lady." Nemis takes him by the hand as he leads them from the really big tent. The rest of the UCMEC sigh.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Harle looks at Haldir who looks very uncertain and even a little afraid. "Hey, what's wrong?" Haldir looks at her with worry.

"This is the largest battle I will ever have fought in. What will happen when I find myself stunned by it, or I cannot protect my Lord?" Harle gives him a sympathetic look as she grasps his hand.

"Stick by me, you'd be surprised how fun it is to fight with me by your side." Haldir smiles as Harle grins. He squeezes her hand and Harle's smile fades as her face becomes slightly red and she has a hard time swallowing.

"I shall...'stick by you'...for as long as the battle shall last but...I ask only one thing now." Harle has a hard time answering.

"What?" Haldir rises, drawing her up with him, and begins to lead her from the really big tent.

"Come for a walk with me." Harle smiles and is led wilfully.

"As long as you promise to run at the sight of slash writers." Haldir brings his other hand to his breast.

"I give you my word." The UCMECians sigh again.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Joan finishes sighing and turns to find Fëanor staring at her in the most peculiar manner. She blushes but forces it away as she asks, " What?"

"Nothing, nothing at all." 

Joan cocks a brow at him.

"Right, the last time I saw you staring at something like that, it was a Silmaril." 

He smiles and cast his gaze from hers.

"If I could capture your beauty in a jewel than I would prize it above even the Silmarils." 

Joan raises her brows.

"Eh?"

"Come with me, my Lady, wherever our paths go, let them go together." 

Joan backs away slightly.

"Don't tempt me cause I might just. Besides, I gotta stay here and save Gil-galad." 

Fëanor looks very angry as he grips the hilt of his sword.

"Does he harbor feeling for you? You for him?" 

"What? No!...well may-,no, he's Nemis'. I just don't think I can be tied to you like that." 

Fëanor looks sad but Joan, being the sucker for him that she is places a hand on his nicely formed shoulder. She means to comfort him but finds that she can't really take her hand from massaging his shoulder. He looks at her once more as an idea comes to him.

"You may not come back from this battle?" 

Joan nods, still massaging the shoulder. "Allow me to help then?" 

Not certain of what he has in mind, she follows anyway as he goes out the tent flap.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Kelsey doesn't sigh as she is wondering exactly what has possessed Fëanor. She looks back to see Autumn typing furiously on a little key board. Magically, Two elves pop up next to Kelsey.

"Baulgh!" The dark haired, gray eyed (sigh, swoon) twins look around curiously. They spot Elrond and attempt to get up to speak with him. 

Kelsey realizes that the very knowledge of these two to Elrond could spell there non-existence and, borrowing two leads and a collar from Kalurien, quickly whips the collars on them and high tails it out of the tent.

"Lady, take us back to our father!" They cried in unison. Kelsey stops and looks at them, recalling the add for Wrigley's gum.

"Um, no, in fact, I think I won't." She says, given their leads a little jerk. "I think you can accompany me to my little tent. 

Grinning evilly, Kelsey proceeds to drag them to a near by tent (all supplied by ShinElrond because she can:)

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Jen, who was outside grooming her horse (nickering appreciatively), watched the various UCMEC members and their respective elves go off to do...things:) while Thranduil groomed his horse, a pleasant strawberry roan.

"what do you suppose they're all up to?" Jen cast her eyes above her.

"Um, probably not a good thing to think about...unless...hey, Thranduil, you married yet?" He raised a brow at her.

"No."(I have no idea when he got married but I'm going, for Jen's sake, with he wasn't which actually makes the twins being here all feasible because I wrote Lego in when his parents weren't together yet:) Jen gets a spark of intrigue in her eye.

"How about going for a ride then?" Thranduil shrugs his shoulders and hops on the horse.

"What is it about these beasts that makes you like them so much?"

"I dunno, something about all that power moving right...you know, that was about to sound really bad. I just like em'." Thranduil nods his head as, escaping the weight of battle for a moment, they ride off into the moonlight (sorry, no rising sun for you to ride off into).

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Nobody else in the tent(not that many more remained) realized that Alena and Elrond had walked off as well.

"So you came to save high King Gil-galad?" Alena nodded her head, enjoying Elrond's gentlemanly behavior as she hugged his arm closer.

"Pretty much. But, you know, also to make sure that you got away safely too." Elrond smiled as they came to a cliff and sat down, admiring the beauty of the full moon.

"If the Lady Nemis laid claim upon the King...who did you lay claim to?" Alena let a heavy breath escape her.

"Honestly, I kinda haven't but...unofficially...I claim you." Elrond smiled down warmly at her.

"Lady Alena, I must confess, my heart belongs to another. I am in love with Celebrían of the Golden Wood." Alena nods her head, knowing full well that you can't escape their love. "However, it is said to be...bad luck...if you do not receive a kiss from a beautiful maiden before you go to battle," Alena looks up at him, completely shocked by what he's saying, "and Celebrían is not here to bestow one upon me." Alena is shocked as Elrond 

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Katy looks around to see Autumn still typing away, Celeborn peering intently over her shoulder, Casey talking with Maglor which looks strangely like flirting with her and then she sees Erestor looking at a volume.

"Whatcha readin?" 

Erestor looks up. It's a complete record of every transaction that's ever occurred in Imladris. Would you believe that Elrond once bought a bridle with a mithril bit for Glorfindel? He never bought such lavished gifts for me. Asfaloth gets better treatment than I." 

Katy pats his shoulder.

"He cares, trust me, he'd be completely wrecked if it weren't for you." 

Erestor still looked gloomy so Katy, taking it upon herself to cheer him up, snuggled closer and wrapped an arm around him. 

"Don't worry about it, you're a good friend and a nice elf and a hot elf..." 

Erestor looks at her oddly as she trailed off.

"What do I have to do with heat?" 

"You'd be surprised" She replied as she snuggled so close that she was almost on his lap and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Are you worried about the battle?" Katy nods. Erestor places a hand on her head and strokes her hair lightly.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Autumn looks up from her keyboard to see Katy snuggling up with Erestor and sighs. Celeborn looks up and his brow furrows.

"Do you find something...adorable about them." Autumn rolls her eyes. "Duh, look at them, they're so cute." She squeals. 

Celeborn takes another look but shrugs his shoulders. 

"You know, you shouldn't be so off, the way I've written you, you're a pretty romantic elf. Celeborn raises his brow. "You and Galadriel...you have many a happy moments because of me." 

Celeborn cocks his brow again.

"What do you know of my wife and I?"

"Everything. You are a very cute couple...which makes me sad." 

"Why?" Celeborn asks in a very caring voice. 

"Because it makes me feel very bad about doing this." Celeborn, completely caught off guard, falls backward as Autumn draws him into a kiss.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~

Casey stifles a giggle as she sees Autumn disappear behind Celeborn's chair along with him, his legs the only visible part of him.  

"What a foolish one." She turns to see Maglor watching them with an amused glint in his eye. She's a little thrown off until she sees Autumn's hand shoot up over the chair and grab her key board.

"You know, you have a nice voice?" 

Maglor's cheeks glow red.

"So many tell me. Are we...the only unpaired ones?" 

"As it goes." Casey says with a nod. Maglor takes in a breath and offers her his hand. Casey looks at him distrustingly but he smiles and she takes his hand.

"We have a few hours before we are apparently called to battle, would you like me to lul you to sleep with song?" Casey, unwilling to pass up an opportunity like this, scoots closer and allows a friendly arm to be placed about her shoulder. Maglor's soft voice began to whisper in her ear and she sighs happily.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Wanna know what happens next?

You know you want to…


	10. The Night Before Christm... I mean... uh...

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Chapter 10 The Night Before Christm… I mean.. uhm… the last Alliance…

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 55 (in which we all get what we really wanted…)

Autumn

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Fortunately for the High King and Nemis, they encountered no other elves on their way, not that they would have broken from their embrace if they had. Running to the privacy of a tent despite the many tiny affectionate touches they laid upon one another as they went.

Nemis pushed the King down onto a rather large cot and went happily to his arms. Gil-galad laughed as he wrapped them about her and sought out her mouth with his. It wasn't long before Gil-galad found himself without anything covering his torso and Nemis' lips firmly attached to the skin on his neck.

"My Lady, what will happen if you do not succeed?" 

This stopped her dead and Nemis looked up at him. She thought for a moment before she slowly rested her head on his chest.

"You die." 

Gil-galad didn't seem fazed by her admittance of it as he stroked her hair.

"Not such a bad thing, I would go to the halls where my ancestors dwell." 

Nemis was still deeply saddened by this as she clutched him closer. Gil smiled, lifted her face to his and Nemis felt extremely better as he kissed her deeply but still maintained his gentlemanly tenderness. 

Pulling from it, he said, "And Elrond will lead them? My people, I mean." 

Nemis sucked in a deep breath.

"That's one way of seeing it." 

Gil-galad thought for a moment.

"That is the only way of seeing it. I have no heir." 

The same evil glint, seemingly shared by all the members of the UCMEC, entered her eyes.

"You don't yet..." 

Gil-galad smiled mischievously and raised a brow.

"The should I die, My child would be left in the care of one whom I know could raise it properly." He whispered to her ere they continued there exploration of one another's flesh. Just as Gil slid his hand to Nemis' neck , under the collar of her shirt and onto the flesh where the back meets the neck, Nemis stopped.

"Wait, wait. Hold on." 

Gil-galad looked confused as he laid on his back, shirtless and Nemis bounded out of the tent. Coming to the really big tent, she found Autumn, stole her keyboard with ease as she was busy with Celeborn and typed a few lines. She then sprinted back to the smaller tent that housed her elf King.

"What was that about?" he asked as she settled down next to him.

"Oh, this fic's not rated high enough for what I have planned so I had to start the next part...

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Fëanor walked a ways away from the gathering of tents to a clearing lit well by the full moon. He took out his sword and shed his breast plate as Joan ran up to him.

"What, you plan on killing me?" Fëanor laughed.

"No, you said you might not make it through the battle. I wanted to give you a few pointers." 

Joan nearly fainted as Fëanor wrapped his arms around her and placed his sword in her hands and gripped his over hers. His face next to hers, he smiled and took her through some easy moves, all the while, gliding about with her. She almost fainted again, feeling the muscles of his chest and arms through his tunic.

After he had taken her through many moves, they collapsed to the ground together, laughing in unison.

"You will survive the battle...don't worry." 

Joan looked at his sword which rested still in her hands.

"Did you see how clumsy I was? My best hope is to use my Valar powers to beat up some orcs and then I'm done." 

He grinned at her as he shuffled a little closer. 

"I'll stay by your side, you have my word,  I shall not leave you." 

That feeling of fainting crept up on her again.

"That's good to know." 

Reaching down to help Joan up, Fëanor escorted her back to her tent.

"Goodnight, my Lady." He leaned down and placed a kiss on her cheek. 

Joan, figuring that she would never have another opportunity, quickly took hold of his face and planted a kiss on his lips. Much to her delight, he responded in kind.

"You know," Joan said, breathing heavily when they pulled from one another, "I'm guessing Autumn wasn't nice enough to write you in your own tent (she's right, I wasn't:) So, where do you plan to sleep tonight?" 

He thought about it a moment.

"On the ground outside your door, keeping those who would wish you harm from ever coming close to your sleeping presence." Joan (gleefully melting into a pile of goo) led him inside.

"But I make one thing clear," she said as they sat upon her cozy cot, "The world doesn't need another elf lusting after the Silmarils, so we have to keep safe distance." 

Fëanor gave her a look as if to say that he had no idea what she spoke of as they laid down to rest. 

Joan, however, soon felt an arm reach around and a hand grasp hers. 

She fell asleep to the feel of Fëanor's breath upon her neck.

(sigh… awww:)

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Kalurien's grin never once left her face as she `cleansed the elf.' 

Glorfindel groaned contentedly as she ran the cloth across his chest.

Eventually, Kalurien finished making her elf spiffy looking and he got out of the wooden tub (nearly causing her to faint). After he had dressed, Glorfindel turned towards the still flushed cheeked Kalurien.

"I didn't thank you, my Lady, for saving me from the writer (well, that writer:)" 

Kalurien batted a hand at him.

"Was nothing." 

Glorfindel walked towards her and, ever so dreamily, stared deep into her eyes.

"'Twas something." He brought her lips to his for a light, fleeting kiss. "Thank you." 

She looked dazed, indeed, Glorfindel had to catch her from falling over. "My Lady?"

"Thanks for the, uh...thanks..." Glorfindel smiled.

"I'm afraid that I must go back to my tent for the night."

"Whoa, wait, it's not safe out there with those slash writers still lurking about... can I come with you? You know, just to keep you safe..." 

Glorfindel laughed.

"I do not have an extra cot." 

Kalurien tilted her head slightly and nodded.

"Did I say we'd need one? You don't mind a bunk mate do ya?" 

Glorfindel took the meaning of 'Bunk Mate' to be literal and backed off slightly.

"Bunk...Mate? um, well." 

Kalurien rolled her eyes.

"Not literally dufus… Do you mind... me just kinda... lying next to you...?" 

Glorfindel regained his composure.

"I would not, uh...strictly on the condition that you leave all of my clothing firmly attached to my body." 

Kalurien smiled as she looped her arm with her zestfully clean elf and walked out of the tent.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Jen turned to Thranduil and asked him the question that could very well determine any future relationship, "Do you like horses?" 

Thranduil thought about it a moment.

"They're stunning creatures and there is hardly a greater feeling than that of your steed charging you to battle." Jen nearly falls off her horse at the elf King's passionate words.

"I, uh, hope you don't mind, but...uh, I had something in...well, mind." 

He chuckled as Jen raised a brow in his direction. She saw that he had pulled a bottle of wine from his saddle bag along with two rather rough looking metal glasses.

"We have a few hours ere we possibly meet our destruction, care for a drink?" 

Jen laughed as Thranduil wore a large grin and shook the bottle.

The two settled down on a flat piece of land, Thranduil spreading a blanket on the ground. He poured two glasses of wine out, sat next to Jen and clinked his glass with hers. Jen took a sip of her wine to help her make her next move and scootched closer to Thranduil, leaning against his shoulder.

When they finished their wine, Thranduil procured another blanket from his saddle bag (magical little thing considering he didn't even know he would be going off somewhere) and wrapped Jen in it. He laid himself down next to her, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and leaned over.

"Goodnight." He whispered as he placed a soft kiss on her cheek as her eyes fluttered then closed.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Haldir led Harle to a small clump of trees near the camp. Though she did not need it, he helped her into the tallest one anyway and followed shortly after.

"You really are the kinda guy that lived in his tree house when he was younger, aren't you?" 

Haldir smiled.

"Well, actually, being raised in Lórien, yes." He laughed lightly with Harle who stared intently at him for a moment.

"Are you really worried about messing up in the battle?" 

Haldir mockingly thought about it for a moment then turned to her with a goofy smile on his face.

"No, actually. I just... wanted someone to come and live with me in my tree house... if only for one night..." 

Harle considered falling out of the tree (see what these elves do to us, we're just dropping like flies:) as Haldir wrapped his hand around hers. Left speechless, Harle just turned to look at the stars as Haldir was.

"We can't stay up here all night you know, well... you maybe, but I'd fall out." Harle said after a time during which she regained her vocal capacity.

"No you wouldn't, I wouldn't let you." His smile drove the above mentioned capacity from her once more. He shifted gracefully on the narrow tree limb to where his legs were stretched along it, his back was to the trunk and Harle was nestled safely in his arms.

"You sleep, I promise not to let you fall." Reassuringly, he gripped her tighter. As if things couldn't get any better, Haldir put his beautiful voice to use and began to sing. Harle bent her head up from his chest and brushed a soft, swift kiss across his lips. Haldir pressed down, making it more than just a quick brush but released her as Harle allowed her head to sink back down to his chest. 

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Alena found that she was paralyzed as Elrond bestowed a kiss upon her. She made a few unrecognizable sounds when he pulled away but found that words no longer seemed to exist in her mind.

"Thank you for your blessing in battle." 

The words suddenly came and she smiled happily.

"No problem." That was all she got out.

Elrond grinned, and pulled her closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

"Rest now, my Lady." He whispered. Alena, quite possibly the luckiest out of all of the UCMECians, ended up falling asleep in the Lord of Imladris' lap (hopefully far away from the smut writers, they'd have field day with that one:)

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Kelsey dragged the twins into her tent, though they protested the entire way. Now that they were there, she knew what she'd like to do but she knew that it just wasn't possible with the two of them. 

Silently cursing Autumn, knowing full well that she had planned it that way, Kelsey looked at the twins who were now seated in front of her.

"We demand to see our-."

"Ya, ya, shut up, I know, you wanna see daddy." 

Elrohir fell silent at that, a wounded puppy dog face plastered on. Kelsey's shoulders slumped. "You are very cute..." The idea hit her like the inspiration for a slash fic hits a smut writer. Kelsey's spirit was uplifted until she remembered that her deck of cards was torn up.

The twins gasped as, with the magic of the key board, a deck of cards appeared on Kelsey's cot. Suppressing the urge to do a little dance and shout for joy, she merely looked at the twins with an evil glint.

"Wanna play a game to pass the time?" Needless to say, with Kelsey's version of the game, the twins wound up with their odd looking Elvish underwear on alone and she... wound up with their trousers and shirts for a pillow.

"But we'll freeze!" Kelsey, of course, played this to her advantage.

"You can come and sleep with me..." The twins weighed their option's as Kelsey absentmindedly played with their leashes.

"Can we at least have our clothing back?" Elladan asked. 

"Mmm, no."

"Our pants at the very least?" Kelsey sighed and threw them their pants. They gratefully put them on and climbed up on the cot. Kelsey, unable to sleep due to complete giddiness, laid with two very adorable elven princes on either side of her, curled up in the most adorable position(did I mention that they were adorable?:).

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Katy found herself almost falling asleep in Erestor's arms, his stroking of her hair wonderfully lulling.

"Are you close to sleep, my lady?" 

Katy nodded sleepily as Erestor smiled. He looked to the book in his hands for a moment longer ere he closed it. He slid his arm around Katy and the other under her knees and lifted her up. Katy leaned a hand down and picked up his book, hugging it to her chest as Erestor carried her from the tent.

He laid her gently on her bed and slipped the book from her hands.

"No... stop, stop the pop." Katy murmured in her half sleep. Erestor looked at her oddly.

"Stop the pop?" 

Katy's eyes flew open at his voice.

"The... um, pop up adds... never mind, unimportant, you don't know how annoying they are." 

Erestor smiled down at her. 

"Rest easy tonight, my Lady." He leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead, his hand lingering on her face as did his eyes before he seated himself on the ground next to her cot, her hand gripped tightly in his as he continued to read over the book.

"Oh, and... do not allow the... pop... to get you in your dreams." He whispered to her.  

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Not much more to say of Casey and Maglor save that she ended up much as Alena and Elrond did. Casey had fallen to the elf's beautiful voice and wound curled up in his lap, her head resting on his chest. 

Maglor had absolutely no problem with this so he settled his hand upon her head and leaned back to attempt to sleep.

After a while though, something that had been bugging him caused his eyes to fly open. As stealthily as possible, he leaned down and brushed a kiss across her lips. Casey, who was not as asleep as she would have liked him to think whispered, "Whatcha doin Maglor?" 

He looked stunned but finally decided to state the truth.

"You and I were the only things who would leave this night and possibly this life without a final kiss, it seemed unfair that two so beautiful should go to fight without a departing kiss." 

Casey decided that this explanation was good enough for her, besides, it wasn't like she really minded, she got a kiss from the proclaimed singer, who would mind?

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Autumn set down her keyboard and sat up from Celeborn who looked completely stunned with his wide eyes focused on her.

"My Lady, WHAT IN THE BLOODY MANDOS ARE YOU DOING?" 

Autumn looked satisfied as she sat staring at him.

"You're an old elf, you've had a daughter so you have to know what I was doing or else I don't know how Celebrían came about..." 

Celeborn looks exasperatedly at her.

"You know that I'M MARRIED! YOU SAID SO ERE YOU PROCEEDED TO SUFFOCATE ME!" 

The evil UCMEC glint enters her eye.

"Hey, bub, You weren't exactly casa nova with that kiss either." 

Celeborn sighed angrily. 

"Look, I've got you here and yeah you're married but it's not like I'm trying to wreck your home or anything, I just wanted a little kiss..." 

Celeborn rolls his eyes at that.

"That had more than an element of... french... in it... that was not a little kiss."

"Big deal." 

Celeborn groaned as he sat down. Autumn looks round the tent to see it almost empty. 

"Look, everyone else got to have their own little elfie excursion, so I picked the married one out of the bunch, why should I get excluded?" 

Autumn was not surprised to see Celeborn uncork Elrond's half empty wine bottle and pour a liberal amount into a glass. Neither speak for a moment but Autumn soon remembers something she wanted to tell Celeborn.

"You know, you should be thanking me... I tried to warn you about the guy that wants to marry your daughter..." Celeborn swallowed his wine and cast a shady glance in her direction.

"Who is this elf that wishes to lay hands upon my little Celebrían?" 

Autumn just shrugs.

"It slips my mind now." 

A low growl emitted from the elf lord.

And so that was how the final night before the big battle went, everyone got their elf Lord(s) and everyone was happy for the time being, well, almost everyone...

"Tell me who this elf is!"

"Who said it was an elf..." 

Celeborn's angered shouts could be heard for quite some time into the night, luckily for Casey, Maglor's voice has the rare ability to keep one asleep through the wrecking of Middle-Earth...

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Part 56 (in which Katy dreams, and has conversations with mini-Legolas too…)

Katy

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Katy is having dreams not so peaceful as Erestor would wish. They don't involve pop-up ads but rather Gollum, Fire Breath guy's tower torture chamber and a certain dark alter ego.

Having seen the Fellowship of the Ring many times and wishing she could use the Baradur torture set on many people (but not Gollum) Katy flinches in her sleep and cries a little cry. Erestor is in the Elf Sleep thingy (don't know *what* the deal is with that) and the cry is beneath his unawake-yet-not-asleep notice.

Back to the dream- Unfortunately Gollum is out of the coffee jar and is having information extracted from him through painful methods by Dark Nemis. And before long she knows an awful lot she shouldn't know (it turns out that Gollum shouldn't actually know it either.) 

These include the whole thing about Fozzie Bear (you thought I'd forgotten didn't you?); the whole deal about Katy's allergy to bananas (yes it's true, really...); a load of stuff about the secrets of Middle Earth (like how Nerdanel managed to put up with Feeny's huffing and puffing and attempting to blow Melkor down) and much else besides (like why Gollum likes his fish fried and not grilled, and how Salmon is more like elves than Man, which is like haddock)

All this is very useful to Dark Nemis (apart from the bit about the fish) and she starts to scheme an evil scheme, a nasty dreadful scheme-

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Mini Legolas breaks in

Mini Lego - Can we get on without the bad poetry please?!?

Katy - snorts I'd like to see you do any better blondie boy

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

-to defeat the UCMEC even more dreadfully (which of course her original plan- there's nothing wrong with refining plans though)

At that moment the Pop-up ads appear again, masking the scene from Katy's eyes.

It is of course at that moment she found herself being shaken awake by Erestor who looks kinda worried.

"My Lady what is amiss?" He asks, gathering her into his arms and stroking her hair-

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Mini Legolas - what is it he has with your hair?

Katy - it's the unique coppery colour mixed with the fact that it's silky soft and is longer than yours! HAH!

Mini Legolas - makes a face Is NOT!

Katy - is too! Time anything bigger than you can say (though that wouldn't be hard)

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

- as if to reassure her. Katy finds it hard to answer for a few moments- probably because she's crushed against Erestor's nice muscly chest. (mmmmmmmmm)

"I kinda had a bad dream."

Erestor quirks an eyebrow "About pop-up ads?"

"Only at the end. Dark Nemis  and Gollum...and Fozzie Bear..."

"Who is this Fozzie Bear you speak of my Lady? And why does he seem to bother you so much?"

"It's take along time to explain- let's just say that Gorthaur and Lady Nemis's alter ego are up in the tower right now using the fact that Fozzie Bear is in Middle Earth against me."

"Did this worry you before?"

"Yes, it's even more worrying now."

Erestor kisses her brow once again. "Fear not my Lady. I would keep you from such Dark imaginings. Rest now, for I will protect you."

Katy nods and nestles comfortably in his arms, head against chest etc, and they both sleep.

As Autumn is the first one awake in the camp she decides the nest morning to wake everyone else up- for today tis Battle Day!

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!!!!!!!!!" She yells and moments later a lot of noise erupts in the camp.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^


	11. In Which Most of Us Awake, and Realise W...

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**Chapter 11 In Which Most of Us Awake, and Realise We Have a Lot of Work to Do… **

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**Part 57** (in which Jen teaches Thranduil college-speak)

Jen 

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"Turn down the Robin Williams, Tango," Jen mutters in her sleep, turning over and burying her nose in Thranduil's torso.  The elven king levels a quizzical glance at her, surprised at himself for suddenly feeling such... affection... for a mortal woman – a mortal woman hardly more than a child, no less!  Unwanted, a tiny smile creeps onto his face and he reaches to gently shake Jen awake.

"Come, Jen," he whispers in her ear, relishing the brevity of her name and the way it falls briskly from his lips.  "It is time to wake."

"No wanna," she mumbles against his soft tunic.  "No class.  No predawn lunging."

Confused, the elf shakes her more insistently, but she just yanks the blanket he wrapped her in last night and drags it over her tousled head.  Thranduil actually laughs at that.

"Well then, if you must make it difficult, my dear..."  He pulls himself away from the UCMECian, and she squeaks a little in protest but remains in her cocoon.  Grinning rather like Jen does every time she hands an elf a white sheet of paper, the king leans down and takes a firm hold of both blankets.  

He unceremoniously yanks them away from the young woman.

"GAH!"  Jen bolts upright, squealing, "I'm up!  I'm up!"  She looks around frantically.  "Am I late for class?  Tell me I'm not... where's the clock?"

Her words prove enough to send Thranduil into unashamed guffaws of laughter.  

Jen's eyes finally fall on him, and he receives the Sithly Editor Glare of Death, normally reserved for stories that can't pick a verb tense and stick with it.

"It's not funny," Jen grouses, but she snaps her fingers and a white flash of light momentarily blinds Thranduil.  When he can see again, Jen is standing under a tree, clad in fresh clothes and straightening her freshly braided hair.  She smiled angelically at the elf.  "You might want to plug your ears," she warns him.

Before Thranduil can weigh the merit of the suggestion, Jen lets out her characteristic, earsplitting whistle.  "C'mon Coupers!  Breakfast!"  A bucket of feed appears at her feet, and the bay horse comes trotting up.  Thranduil leans curiously over the bucket, having never seen a rubber feed bin before.  

He makes a face at the green pellets inside.

"What _are_ those?" he asks suspiciously.

"Pellet feed," Jen answers.  "Hard to explain, but Coup likes it and it's good for him."

It only takes fifteen minutes to get the horse fed, and then Jen drapes an arm over his neck and starts walking back towards the Really Big Tent.  

Thranduil's horse appeared and was cared for during the interval.  As the group walks, the Legolas clones and their mounts return as well.  Thranduil casts a wary glance over his shoulder at them, but decides it's probably safer to not ask.

"Morning ladies and elves," Jen greets the others.  She scans the scene before her, and before Kalurien can say a word, Jen grabs Glorfindel and gives him a hearty handshake.  "Hi!  I'm Jen ChaCha with the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society, or MEEPS!  Sign this, please!"  She thrusts a white paper at the bewildered elf.  He looks at her suspiciously.

"What exactly is this for?"

"A horsemanship award...Or is that horse-elf-ship?"

Annoyingly, Glorfindel does the same thing to the paper that Thranduil did to his – tucks it away in a pouch without a second glance.  Jen pouts and growls something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like "Asfaloth."  She stalks back towards Coup, who obligingly makes her feel better by lowering his head for a kiss and an ear-scratch.  She busies herself with lavishing affection on the horse until someone comes to tell her what to do...or at least try to.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 58** (in which the Samurai Realizes that Sleeping in a Tree with your Elf Isn't All that Bad...And Gets a Marriage Proposal?!)

Harle 

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But, fortunately for a certain Samurai and her Elf, Autumn's wake up call is not as shocking as it should be. But it DOES stir Haldir from his sleep, and manages to bring Harle partially out of her deep dreams (which concern Haldir, of course).

Seeing his Lady still half-asleep in his arms, Haldir smiles, and decides to rouse her fully. Leaning down, he captures her lips in a soft kiss. "Awake, my darling, awake!" he whispers in her ear as he pulls back from the morning kiss he delivers to her. "Tis time to rise from your slumber. Though I would have it that you would open your eyes to golden sunlight and birdsong and the scent of flowers, there is no time for such. Battle awaits us."

Harle groans softly, and blinks her eyes open. The first thing that greets her is Haldir's face. A smile curves on her lips, and she snuggles up closer to him. "Good morning."

Haldir smiles back at her, and kisses her on the forehead. "Sweet Lady, it is time for us to rise from our rest and go into the foray. I have heard Lady Autumn's voice, waking all those at the camp."

Harle snorts. "Autumn, eh? So that shout I heard was real after all." She adjusts herself so that she is sitting up in Haldir's lap, and stretches slowly. Once she finishes, she grabs a convenient branch overhead, and slowly shifts herself onto the branch next to the one she and Haldir have shared the previous night.

He frowns as she leaves him there. "I feel quite deprived without you in my arms, melamin."

Harle nearly stumbles on the branch upon hearing the word "melamin", but quickly regains her composure as she starts to climb down the tree to land on the ground. She smiles. 'Ah, back on terra firma.'

There is a soft thud behind her, and a pair of strong, familiar arms encircles her again. She giggles softly, knowing whom it is. "If you keep this up Haldir, we're never going to get anywhere. Remember, I've got a High King to save, a Vice-Regent to protect, and an UCMEC leader to help. Not to mention the fact that I have to kick the butt of a certain evil Maia, and have to deal with a certain Dark Alter-Ego."

Haldir spins her around, and gazes at her seriously. "Then this may be the only chance I will ever get to ask you this question." He pulls her close, holding her around the waist, and makes a blush appear on her face. "I do not know how this battle will turn out, and if we shall both live to see the end of it, but...should it go our way...I wish that you will return to Lorien with me...as my bride."

Harle's mind starts to spin WAY out of control. In a daze, she asks, "What?"

Haldir holds her hands in his insistently. "I wish to marry you, melamin, vanimelda."

"But...but...what will your parents say?"

"My mother and my father have long gone across the sea to the Undying Lands."

"Your brothers? What will Rumil and Orophin say?"

"I believe that they will say it is about time. I am the eldest of the three, and I am expected to wed sooner than any of them. Marriage is something I have put off for far too long...until now."

"And what will Celeborn say? I don't think your liege-lord would like the Captain of the Lothlorien Guards getting married to someone from the UCMEC."

Haldir shook his head determinedly. "Who I marry is none of his concern. For you, I would defy my liege-lord...even the Lady I serve."

Harle stares at the Elven archer, his eyes pleading with her to say yes.

'After all, what can it hurt,' she wonders. 'After all, if we make it through this battle I won't really have to worry about the immortality question. I'm a Vala, I'm immortal!" She smiles slightly at him. "Well, let

me think about it, okay?"

Haldir nods, and places another kiss on her lips. "I leave the fate of my heart, in your hands, melamin."

Harle blushes again, and, sliding her hand in his, they walk back to the camp to seek out Nemis and to find out what the plan for the battle is.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

melamin (Sindarin): mela = lovely, min = one

vanimelda (Quenya): vani (comes from vanima) = proper, right fair; melda = beloved, dear,

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**Part 59 **(in which Kelsey tries to convince Elrond of the origin of certain garments)

Kelsey 

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Elladan and Elrohir had been up for a few hours.  Since then the sun had risen and cast and ominous red glow over the already ominous landscape of Mordor and yet the lady had not stirred.  They were still shirtless from their humiliating loss at a bizarre game involving little pieces of paper ( followed by equally unsuccessful bids at strip simon says and strip musical chairs) and to complicate matters the sleeping female had her head resting on the remainders of their clothing. Elladan had tried shaking her and poking her repeatedly in the head, Elrohir had held his hand over her nose so she couldn't breathe and had only gained a painful bite wound.  Only when the cry reverberated through the camp did she bolt upright screaming something about lateness and math.  

Kelsey shook her head trying to clear away the fuzziness of sleep and remembered where she was, at that instant all three dove for the wadded shirts that had been her pillow.  Their head knocked together as they grappled over the flimsy fabric. 

"I swear I'll bite you! Let go!"

"You already did! Now give them back!"

"Want...grunt shirt"

All three landed on the floor in a tangle of limbs.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Kelsey asked Elladan winking.

"Probably not" he replied eyeing her warily. 

"Well then," Kelsey said gaining full possession of the shirts and shoving them down her pjs to stop any further attempts the get them back, "As much as I looooove wrestling with two gorgeous twin elves first thing in the morning, I have to go save good ol' Gil."

"Gil?" Elrohir asked, "As in Gil-Galad? He died ages ago, lady."

"Right, well I can't really discuss this, security clearances etc. I'm sure you understand just wait here and once Gorthaur is no more I'll come back and we'll wrestle some more."  With that she fled the tent leaving two slightly chilly elves, who were too embarrassed to try and cross camp without their shirts (what would Elrond say about that kind of indecency?)

Kelsey pulled up to the R.B. tent at the same time as Harle.  

"Did you somehow jump to your third-trimester there?" she asked poking Kelsey's belly.

"Opps!" Kelsey pulled the two shirts out from under her shirt. "Just a little something to make sure my twins stay put."

Elrond who had also arrived eyed the garments, "They look like they come from a seamstress I know, she makes all my garments."

Harle and Kelsey looked at each other, "No, no you see these," Kelsey said waving the garments emphatically, "were made in....Taiwan."

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 60** (in which Katy asks the question no one seems to want the answer to)

Katy 

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Erestor and Katy are both roused at the shout of Autumn but are reluctant to move, being more comfortable in each other's embrace than out of it. Though neither has said anything obvious about their feelings for each other, well, you can guess.

"Time to leave my arms my Lady." Whispers Erestor in Katy's ear. 

She shivers, pushing deeper into his embrace.

"They couldn't give us breakfast in bed could they?" She purred.

"There is a whole camp to muster and feed my Lady..."

"I guess not then." She accepts the hand he extends to her and is pulled from the bed. "And where would breakfast be?"

"We will break our fast in the King's tent my Lady. I expect your fellows will be there." He takes her and leads her to the R.B Tent, where they find Kelsey and Harle trying to convince Elrond that those shirts were 'Made in Taiwan'. Celeborn is waiting sulkily on the nearby couch and glaring at Autumn who is ticking off a checklist for the UCMEC members. Her face begins to fall as more arrive and the 

prospect of taking all the best kind of food diminishes. Greatly.

"Where's Nemis?" Katy asks as she settles on another couch with Erestor beside her.

"I wouldn't ask." Casey replies, entering the tent with Maglor in tow. "I really wouldn't."

"Well someone had better get them or there'll be no breakfast, and both of them need their strength for this battle thing."

"Well count me out."

"NO.WAY."

"oh no no no no no no no no no…"

"Nuh-uh. NUH UH."

Casey frowns as the rest of the UCMEC back away and their respective elf lords back away, whistling innocently.

"WELL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 61** (in which Autumn, Jen and Thranduil risk the wrath of Nemis and Gil-galad)

Collaboration of Autumn and Jen 

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Autumn looks up from her check list and around at those gathered in the tent.

"You may as well go back to your luvy duvy situations as we need Nemis before we start anything." 

The change from Romancy Valar to Angsty Valar is very noticeable and the UCMECians back away from her slightly.

"We know we can't do anything without Nemis… that's why one of us needs to go get her." Kelsey states and after a moment, the tent erupts in shouts over who should go wake them again.

"Peoples, peoples! I'll go wake them… so long as you guys go and get the others." 

Everyone seems a little anxious about that but Autumn rolls her eyes. "I wrote what happened to them and nobody got the… *ahem*… pleasure of getting to know any elf on 'that' kind of basis last night or else I would have as well and as you can all see, I was in the tent all night… apart from any elves." 

Celeborn freezes at her last comment as Autumn seems to think about it, seemingly wishing she had come to know a few elves on 'that' kind of basis. She gets up and exits the tent whilst everyone discusses who they're going to get.

Autumn steps out of the tent to see Legolas, the real one, no clone, doing a sort of burlesque style dance. 

"I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists, I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed…" 

Needless to say, she is afraid and about to call the others to help her figure out how to make the elf shut up when a blond walks from behind one of the tents and begins to yell at her.

"Lissa?"

"Damn it Autumn, what do you have him singing… WHY IS HE SINGING? QUIT MESSING WITH MY LEGO!" 

Autumn raises her brow, walks up to Legolas and whips out a book.

"You have to stop singing that sing because your god is Ilúvatar… kinda and TV evangelists don't exist in the name of Ilúvatar. Secondly, the second phrase of that song doesn't really apply to you because elves don't have lusty sides and therefore, unlike us horny little humans, you wait to get it on until you're married." Legolas scratches his head. Autumn sighs, "Stupid elf…" Lissa looks extremely sad and puts her puppy dog eyes to work.

"Autumn, … fix him … pwease?" Autumn sighs once more, takes out her katana scabbard and proceeds to whack Legolas on the head several times while Lissa stares wide eyed.

"What the hell-."

"Mandos." Autumn corrects.

"What the bloody hell are you doing!?!?!" Autumn points to Lego who now seems serious and somehow hotter than before.

"Where…where am I?" Legolas also looks dazed. Lissa on the other hand is very happy.

"Lissa, if you take him far away and promise to never let him return, you can keep him indefinitely. Lissa says nothing but, taking a leash she stole from a near by tent containing two half naked elves, clips a collar on him and dashes off. Autumn stares at them retreating but quickly shakes off the incident and heads towards the not so big tent.

At that same moment, she happens to walk into Jen closely followed by Thranduil, who join her and walk along.

'I heard a desperate cry a while ago…' She raises an eyebrow at Autumn. 

"I take it we have a problem?" she asks, not really expecting an answer.

Autumn tilts her head.  "Jen, right?"

"Yes ma'am," Jen answers.  "So what's the hub bub, bub?"  She shudders and mutters something about "crossover magic" as she says the last phrase.

Autumn frowns and reiterates the problem for Jen. "Someone needs to go get Nemis and Gil-galad."

"Is that all?"  Jen shrugs and spins on her heel.  

She grabs Thranduil by the shirt front, and Autumn snickers at the surprised expression on the king's face as he's dragged bodily towards the horse by a young woman much shorter than him.

Jen stands at Coup's side, and waits patiently for Thranduil.

The king of Mirkwood just stares at her.  "Huh?"

"Leg up, please," Jen says.  "It saves the horse's back."

"Oh."  Thranduil grins evilly and walks up behind Jen.  He cups his hands under her bent knee and gives her a boost--right over Coup's back and onto the still damp ground.

"Ack!" Jen cries as she lands on her rear.  "Fool king."  She growls, and snaps her fingers.  In an instant, she disappears and then reappears, mounted.  "You had to go and make me waste perfectly good Valar powers instead of being a gentleman.  Get on your horse and follow me."

The pair rides off to the place where Nemis and Gil-galad spent the night, Autumn in close pursuit.  Jen pulls up right outside the tent, sucks in a deep breath, and launches into an imitation that her old roommate would be proud of.

"This is your nine o' clock alarm call!  'Ello Nemis!"  Jen can hear grumbling from inside, so she decides to continue being annoying.  "Calling all Ilúvatar and High Kings!  Don't make me send the Lego clones in after you.  I can get more where these came from if you chop them to bits."

Autumn grins at Jen as she arrives but, stepping to the doorway, she takes a deep breath, listens for any sign that they're awake, praying that Jen's call has already roused them, but hears nothing. She hold back the flap to reveal a very cute scene. Nemis and Gil-galad, all curled up in a blanket and wrapped safely in one another's arms, a contented smile shared by both lovers.

"AWWW!" 

Nemis stirs and Gil-galad's eyes shoot open. 

"Oh, sorry your well muscled high Kingyness and Nemis Iluvátar but it's ass whomping time and you two tend to be the leaders of the whomping…" 

Nemis grumbles something about Gil-galad and turns into his arms, attempting to flee back to the previous night. Gil-galad sits up and looks at Autumn as he wipes the sleep from his eyes and mumbles something about 'not having done that in a few thousand years.' 

"Pardon me?"

He shakes his head.

"Nothing… erm, would you mind leaving whilst I dress?"

"If I said yes, would you be offended?" Autumn doesn't get the chance to say anything more as a pillow being whipped from Nemis drives her out of the tent. 

She spies Jen and Thranduil riding over to the big tent and decides to go back and bug Celeborn for a while longer as the sounds of Gil-galad attempting wake a very groggy Nemis from her sleep emanate from the not so big tent.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

**Part 62** (in which Gil-galad gets Nemis to wake and we see the truly evil powers of Dark Nemis

Nemis 

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'Aaaw…' Nemis moans, as Gil-galad leaves the bed. 'Don't go yet…'

'Nemis, we really need to be getting up…' He softly returns, shooting on his trousers, before kneeling beside the bed. 'I need you to protect me…'

Abruptly opening her eyes, Nemis is confronted with a teasing smile, and receives a gentle kiss on the forehead. Handing her the clothing he absentmindedly discarded in a corner the previous evening, the High-king continues dressing himself, ending up sitting on the side of the bed to lace his boots.

'A question, my Lady,' he asks, as Nemis, having quickly dressed, traces a hand over his hair, touching his back.

'Sure…'

'If you influence the happenings here, was this of your planning?'

Nemis blushes.

'Not really…'

Gil-galad looks up at her.

'I see…'

'Ereinion?' 

He looks up at her, and sees her eyes, suddenly very serious.

'Yes Nemis?'

'Can I have a hug?'

For a moment, the Lord of Lindon seems to consider what a 'hug' is, but, deducting quickly, he rises to his feet and embraces her.

'It will all be fine…' he whispers. 'With such friends, though some of which, I must admit, have some strange… practices, how can it possibly go wrong?'

Nemis looks up at him and smiles.

'We better get back to the others…'

Gil-galad smiles.

'Just one thing…'

He bends towards her and…

'No, no, no, no, NO!'

Dark Nemis, (postponing her coming forth from the mountain earlier due to sudden outpours of romantic affection) having confiscated Sauron's hacked Palantir, clenches her fists and screams so loud, that three Ringwraiths weaklings that they are consider handing in their resignation on the spot.

Sauron drops off the chair where he was sitting in, reading the specific parts of the Silmarillion he has previously been given.

'What is it now?' he sighs, picking himself up from the floor.

'She… He… Bloody Elf, bloody nemesis…' The Dark One fumes, eyes searching for something to destroy, preferably large and with the desired impressive show of power. The Ringwraiths (who have just realised they are subject to a three-millennia-term-of-notice-clause in their contracts) cower away and her eyes fall on the coffee-jar (you shouldn't have reminded me, Katy) and Gollum, who has been trying to hide (which is kinda tricky in a glass container).

The puddle of greenish slimy stuff accumulating on the bottom of the jar seems to change her mind about opening it, though, and she looks at Sauron, whose eyes grow large.

'You are not actually thinking of doing something to me, are you?' He whimpers.

Scaring the evil Maia seems to lighten Dark Nemis up a little, and her eyes begin to glimmer.

'I am so thoughtless… The Cheetos Nemis has been eating have apparently done something to my part of her brains… Fire-breath-guy… get me a keyboard… Get me an internet connection…'

A little later, the sound of keys being pressed at an alarming speed, echo through the Valley at the southern end of a great spur of the Ered Lithui…

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^


End file.
